I haven’t been sick in so long that
this cold is opening mental floodgates.

Each raspy cough brushes the dust off of another old memory.
I enjoy the seemingly short trip down memory lane not knowing what’s to come.
Uncontrollable coughing fits; my past hugs my mind like ocean waves hug the California shore.

I remember sneezing around noon
costing me 1 of Fox McCloud’s 99 stocks in a battle against 2, count ‘em, 2 level 9 Falcos
thoroughly enjoying a day off from middle school.

Days like that one, I pause super smash brothers for one of 3 reasons:
using the bathroom, eating, or answering my mother’s frequent phone calls.
her voice came through the phone like a bullhorn
warning me that this youthful abundance of time would be short-lived
If I could get that freedom back, I wish I could say I’d spend it more wisely,
but I’d probably end up just swiping the hell out of my get-out-of-responsibility-free-card

I remember coughing during class;
Embarrassed that my fellow 7^th graders heard
what sounded like a mix between a severe thunderstorm and moving furniture
I was being ridiculed once again.

“Ew JJay, you’re so nasty.”
I couldn’t hide flaws like they did.
Sometimes I wondered if they got colds too.
They probably didn’t.

I remember thick congestion many winter mornings;
rivaled only by high school hallways between periods.
Senior high was the heaviest, most sluggish years I’ve ever lived.

Completely contrasting my first few double digit years
when I wore a carefree attitude and simple expectations for a future no more than a week ahead.
I blinked the hours away.
But after three years of being a double digit human being,
my eyes started to peel open to more complex expectations:
the perfect girl, possible careers, marriage, moving out, college life,
and the fear of living life after childhood with my innocence on e and nowhere to fill up.
It seemed the further I looked down the road, the slower I seemed to travel.

On top of that, my vision was blurry.
All my friends walked paths towards their futures with precision rivaling that of Google maps
while I was first in line for a diving board into a pool of “I don’t know, maybe.”

Thinking back to that chapter,
I’d like a chance to rewrite those pages

I’ll change my attitude towards life.
Rather, give myself an attitude towards life
and write confidence into my thoughts.

I’ll also change my attitude towards me.
Rather, ignore other people’s attitudes towards me
and write some confidence into my walk.

Maybe I’ll even try to un-write some burned bridges,
but I’d probably end up rewriting the same stories the second time.
Some lessons you can’t unlearn.

On second thought,
maybe I should leave everything how it is
I’ve already been through it, and I think I’m turning out fine
A wise man once said
embrace your past, no matter how dark,
because without nighttime, we wouldn’t appreciate the sun.
and I can definitely see brighter days ahead