In these little pockets of air

I feel solace

Calmed, comforted by the familiar

My need to move forward tempered by the stillness of the shade

 

A storm is brewing

I watch it, hidden up high in this tree

And wonder if I jumped when it came through

Would it catch me? 

Carry me wherever it's going?

Fly me far far away from here?

 To Never Never Land?

 

I climb through the trees

Sometimes peeking through the leaves of this seemingly unending forest

But mostly choosing to remain ignorant of a future not meant for me

I rest, head leaning against the trunk, legs seeping into the mud

Waiting for the driving rain to come

I marvel that such an organism can possess such strength

Stand up straight and tall, back not yielding to the ferocious wind

I am awed that such a creature can stand here year after year for centuries

Refusing to give up an inch, because it claimed this space for itself

It knows that it deserves to be here, welcomed

Though it took a risk as a little tiny seed

 

I feel the rain pouring

Cascading down the branches, enveloping me

I let it fall, pull me under, drowning under the tears of the sky

This, this is where I want to be

 This numbing no feeling pain, this space between life and death

This spot of no obligation, responsibility

I don't need to care here, no need to be scared here

It's alright

But then my throat closes tight

Fight fight fight, it says

Air, it asks

Breathe, is what it needs me

Needs me to do

And so I do

Because I've never felt needed before

 

I am not a mermaid

I am not a dolphin, a blue whale, a fish

I cannot breathe underwater

So I began to suffocate, trying to repel the very thing I had asked for

My vision begins to turn black and I sink, sink sink sink to the bottom 

Until I hear His voice tell me He loves me

That love is never ending, unconditional 

That I need to learn to love myself 

So I can breathe 

 

I swim, dragging myself through the mud

Hanging onto this truth that I seem to keep forgetting

I do not need to be validated by other people

I do not need their confirmation to feel loved, blessed, welcomed, appreciated

I can love myself

I must love myself

For I am nothing without love

I am nothing without love 

Nothing

I take in my first breath

 

I remember that day 

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in those little pockets of air

I remember the feeling of not wanting to be

Of ceasing to exist

Slowly fading from consciousness

And know that it's not worth it

But it's okay to sometimes need a break

When life gets too much

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

I need to take the time

To sit down and cry

And ride out the tempest of my emotions

Before I am swept out to sea

On those of others

Drowning