Azizah, you won’t understand it now, but u will eventually I’m sorry for the thoughts that came when I wasn’t ready to be,.A mother to you and loyal to me.forever felt permanent but you are the keyto my heart and my soul. And I’m thankful for you.My life is my life because I Owe it to you. I think like this now but..I don’t remember when I suspected it. I didn’t know that it could happen so easily.That I crush my mother’s heart in one fast feeling. I told her I was sick. Like always she rushed to take care. Cradled me In her arms and said she’ll always be the one to heal me, I lay still. The feelings already creeping... .doctors appointment. The news shocking, my tears formed doubt and hardened it into a solid painting disclosed from the world but my mother made the artist so there were no secrets, no way to hide those demons and she knew.Her tears made waves against my rib cage. The birds choked on their song and the sky bled in red and black. I couldn’t breathe as she told of the community shaming me, judging me and hating, but I knew she would continue to cradle me whileI lay still cuz she was my mama.It was her responsibility. Somehow it was her responsibility to take care of me but I failed to see that it was my responsibility to take care of you.I was worried about my future and why I couldn’t fit my shoes. Why my feet had godden swollen and my stomach so huge. I’ll admit I considered abortion more times than a few. I’m sorry I didn’t see you for anything other than an embodiment of my disappointment and weakness. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it. I’m sorry this world is so sick that i pray that u won’t have to bear it. Im Sorry that your mother wasn’t ready to love you. Went more than 5 months in and refused to name you. Thought of all the justifications why this world wasn’t for you but the whole time I was being selfish because I loved the idea of the world I knew. The one where four letters turn you into a victim. The one where being accused of Rape is a mans worse fear. The one where people were being selected and calling themselves lucky even if they were homeless because not having a home is better than not having a life. The one where, The man.. the boy.. I assumed you would call father grew two faces well before your birth. To Dodge responsibilities or to punch reality into my thick skull I don’t know, but.. I told you..u wouldn’t understand now but you will eventually.. Azizah, once your 6 pound body hit my arms I felt reality. I cradled you in my arms cuz you were my responsibility. You changed the world for me. I saw color for the first time. New hope struck my cold soul and I knew... you were my responsibility.. i grew up at 16. My world revolves around you because you’re my responsibility. I learned to swallow my sickness and only focus on you. Stay up at night if you were not sleeping. I learned that I was a mother and my future revolves around you. I kno you don’t understand this now, but you will eventually.one day I would read you this poem.. As a teenager who is scared and not the mother who grew to love cherish you. Becoming a mother shook me awake and gave me no time to breath. Reminded me my life just wasn’t for me. I realized my days as a kid were behind me. Motherhood shaped me