Stuck in the middle: only 15, which makes me one of the youngest in my class,
Yet the oldest child in my family.
Stuck in the middle: living a calm suburban life,
Yet always dreaming of life in the busy city.
Stuck in the middle: part of a Catholic family,
Yet trying to determine for myself what I believe.
Stuck in the middle: always hearing about my high potential,
Yet never feeling like I quite live up to it.
My whole life feels as if it’s stuck between something great and something average; being average is what I fear most. The idea that I blend with the rest terrifies me.
Constantly dreaming- day and night- of all the greatness I want to achieve.
Staring out my window at my pool, frozen over and covered with snow during the winter,
the trees lining it glistening with ice,
I envision myself fulfilling everything I want to accomplish.
Each year, as my family spends time in the Adirondack mountains- a place of peaceful serenity- I allow myself to imagine disappearing into the surrounding nature:
cutting off contact with the world,
Living off the land each day,
The animals chirping, buzzing- living-around me
The wind howling through the trees,
The melodic lapping of the lake upon the shore.
In nature, a person can escape the walls.
Walls contain a person each day; I spend my days between walls,
wishing I was somewhere else.
I look for a way to be part of something bigger than myself, a way to contribute.
This desire to be a fraction of something great, perhaps it is the reason I’m drawn to a big city.
Nature’s relaxation and calm, it’s contradictory to the city’s energy.
Energy is that drive, that spark, that ineffable feeling, when a person feels most alive.
As I watch my parents leave for work each day,
my mother for her job at the newspaper, my father, as a salesman,
I wonder if they too seek the energy I crave.
The occasional argument comes up between me and my parents; a product of the stubbornness we all share.
In life, acceptance is what is strived for.
Each day, as I talk with my friends,
I find myself grateful for their acceptance of me as I am: stubborn, sarcastic, and admittedly obnoxious.
A bit insecure at times.
This insecurity, I wish it wasn’t part of me.
The most important acceptance of all is acceptance of oneself.