I used to tell myself
that I cannot love
I will not love
I wont allow my self to
because that was easier
it was easier to break hearts
and say goodbye
and run
when you don’t have anything
holding you back
or tying you down
my mind
and body
had gone numb
and for a while
I told myself
“this is great”
“I feel alive”
“this
this is living”
but I knew in the back of my mind
every one was convinced
this was how I really felt
except for the most important person
myself

and it took me a while to figure this all out
it took me a long long time
a lot of cigarette butts
and empty absolutes
and lots of tears
and messy beds
riddled with torn clothes
and scratch marks on our backs
to realize that I was never numb
in fact quite the contrary

I felt   e v e r y t h i n g
every pain
every sorrow
every ounce of sadness
went right to my heart
then to my stomach
and back up to my mind
I saw it all
mine
theirs
everyone's
it burdened me
because I couldn’t do anything
I felt this never ending sorrow
this never ending
labyrinth of misery
and I wanted to cut the strings
each and every one
and watch the balloons float away
and when I admitted this
I was alive
I was living
because I realized
that it wasn’t that I couldn’t
wouldn’t
shouldn’t love
it was that I did love
I do love
I love all too much
everyone
every thing
I fall in love with words
and smells
and pictures
and the wind
and the way the sun
peaks through the branches
and the way
a car feels on a hot summer day
and the way people sit when they’re tired
and the way music can make your bones ache
and the way smiles run rampant
and laughter hurts
I love
I love I love I love
it's a beautiful thing
to love