From a soul

I do not know if I am me.
Who am I if not myself but what is myself if I have never been?
How do I know who I am when I am not myself?
What even is myself?
We build ourselves off of others, nothing is original.
No one is special except for those who are and they are not me.
But neither am I me.
How do you decide who you are when there is no one like you and everyone is you?
How do you stand if there’s nothing to stand on?
What is confidence except for blind doubt and insecurities?
What I say, is it mine or theirs?
Who am i, am I me or them?
Have I made any choices or are they all molded by others?
What is my conscience?
I don’t have one, I think.
There’s too many voices, too many choices, all fighting and shouting, talking and convincing. What is right, what is wrong?
Isn’t it all subjective?
Who decides?
What do I choose?
It’s all the same.
I’m selfish if it’s me, weak if it’s them.
Neither brings happiness, both fear and sorrow.
And no one sees.
No one knows.
It’s too much to explain anyway.

And there’s still that one reason that keeps me here, because they deserve a better life.
I can’t ruin anyone else.
I’ve brought enough damage.
Not really my fault but also completely.
I hate this deception, this lie of a life.
But I can’t choose the worth, can’t balance the scale.
What is a life?
Is it me?
Am I me?
Or am I theirs?
The gap is too wide, I could jump but not land.
Fear would keep me crippled there.
Guilt.

Who can I trust?
Not even myself.
The days just get longer, it’s harder to fight.
I’m always afraid now of what I do.
What if I slip up and they find out?
What if it’s my fault?
What if I lose them?
I feel like monotony.
I don’t know what I feel.
Who am I for whom?
What lies do I keep?
Remember your stories.
Which one is the truth?
I don’t even know.
I can’t decide.
To leave and cry or stay and cry.
Neither is good.
One is without stress but without love.
The other is with love but a constant overwhelming fear of certain and definite discovery.
And then what?

How can I make choices when neither is a choice?
What if I pretend myself into losing myself?
Are they even my thoughts?
Are they even my words?
No one believes without physical proof.
Guilt is their weapon, belittlement their strength.
Convincing to love but is it love?
Do I love?
I don’t know.
I can’t tell the difference, the line is so thin.
Truth is subjective to the point of uncertainty.
No, beyond that.
No one knows.
How do I speak on this weight?
It crushes me but strangely relieving and yet my source of paranoia.
I’m afraid.
I’m tired of fighting.
The door is so far.
And the key is melted, useless.
Never free.
I try and I lose.
Every time.
Those who know me are forbidden to me.
But who actually knows me?
I don’t know myself.

Lies are a drug except I didn’t choose.
Forced to lie because my truth is a lie.
Sealing my fate of false emotion.
No one will ever believe me.
Those that do are few.
And they are lost to me.
I write things no one will read, that no one will understand.
There’s nothing like sitting in a room full of people
You’ve known for years but who don’t know your name
You listen and laugh and learn who they are
But you’re not worth their time of day
And you don’t know why because you’ve tried
They just don’t care
Who they think I am is not who I am
Am I invisible
Until they need me
Which is rarely if ever and even then
I pass before their eyes like mist in a cloud

What am I worth if no one remembers
What have I done if it is unknown
How could they understand what I’ve seen
They laugh about things they’ve never felt
I fight each day for life
I fight to breathe
To be proud of myself
But it means nothing
Nothing to my name
No one knows
I’m in this room
Who is right, what is wrong
Does anyone believe I can do anything
Has anyone let me prove anything
I’m fine but I’m not
How would they know
It’s just another poem no one will read

There’s no one here
At least not for me
What is existence
Even imagination thinks it’s real
We could just blink away
This could be a dream
Is anything as real as it seems
How do we know
We don’t
We live as if we do but are they our lives?
Is it a life if it’s not our choices?
What is life
Who decides the standards?
Why compete if it amounts to nothing
Watching your goals fade away
You’re old now
The world replaces your dreams with
Everyday drudge and useless work
Nothing spectacular because you’ve expired
They say stay young but take our youth
Fulfill your dreams young but we’re too young
Our chances are gone
We’ve passed the date
As others take our dreams away and
Make them theirs
You stand by and watch
Unwilling regret
You never chose to miss your chance
Useless and forgotten
Life leaves you behind

Anger building, hands shaking
Heart beating, legs longing
To stand and run far away
To scream and let the birds fly
To release the weight upon your shoulders
And breathe in peace for once in your life
Hope is a little bird
In a cage of bone
Restricted by reality
Afraid to loose its song
As you get older the cage gets smaller
And there’s no room to fly or breathe
Until the tiny beating heart
Is crushed because it is not free
The cage is empty
A dead weight in your chest
You miss the birds song
But death can not resurrect itself

What do I do
What do I choose
There is a life of choices I’ve never made
Afraid to choose wrong
No experience to guide me
Now is when it counts and I’ve never learned
I’ve built a life to get me through this
But am I limiting myself too much
Am I more
Am I less
Am I right
Am I wrong
I could not live having disappointed myself
There’s too much pressure, too much weight
Decisions are suffocating my mind
I want to go there
But what if I’m not
Why do I want it
Are reasons wrong
They’re like emotions
Everything’s subjective
I want a change that life can’t give me
Can I find it there
No it would be useless
But what if it’s not
Would they listen to me
Would they finally care

What would I say if I had only one day
You never saw me, you never cared
You never bothered to try and help me
My walls are strong but I could bend
If only you cared
You didn’t know my name so how could you know me
You judged me with blind eyes
You who have it so easy
There are those who have it worse than me, I know
But no one should be alone
You left me alone
How else was I to handle my lot
You don’t understand and it’s too late to explain
Too much has happened
I know what you do
I know what you say
You take pictures of me when you think I don’t know
You talk about me online
I’m not stupid, I know how life goes
Maybe I’m too much for you to handle
The fact that life is reality, you couldn’t support me
But I warn you of this

You will lose someone someday and not know why
You’ll be upset, maybe pretend to cry
But you never knew them
You never tried
You have no right to say goodbye if you never said hello
When things get hard you don’t leave
You stay
Life is that way
Not everyone has it as perfect as you
But we don’t validate anymore
We blame and excuse
I’ve been there
I’ve seen the dark
Yes, the same dark you all laugh and joke about
The same dark that you entertain
The same dark that you can’t imagine as reality
Well it is
And we can’t fix it
I wouldn’t be who I am without it
But I nearly stopped who I am
I almost chose to stop
Because I was alone
Because I was laughed at
Because from the start I wasn’t enough for you

You’ll never know that until it happens
And I hope you have regret and guilt
Because that is the only thing that will wake you up
You can’t miss someone you never knew
Yes I am angry
Because I have to tell you what you should already know
We’ve lost who we are
You’ve so lost my trust that I dont even know if you’ll listen to this
I don’t even know if you hear me now

Promise you’ll care for him when I have to leave
I know you won’t love me but give him the love he deserves
He was supposed to be your son anyway, not mine
And it’s my life, not yours
I’ve tried to be perfect for you
Day in and day out
I’m tired of fighting
I’ve pushed myself over the edge
School means nothing anyway
Just a standard of society set for self accolation
Never achieved except by those who are favored
Don’t tell me what to write
Don’t tell me that my writing is poor
I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given
I’m not writing to please you
I’m not living to please you
Just leave me alone and let me be
Did you ever think maybe there’s a reason I’m this way?
That I am barely involved?
That I’m alone?
I cry myself to sleep and when I can’t, the silence is the world’s weight
The fear of laying there in bed, waiting to be discovered for something you didn’t do
Or that you did but was wrong to them
I’m trying to conquer my world
Stop trying to conquer me
You don’t know me

It was easier living in screams and fights
Late nights of lectures and proof of your faults
Where you could see the hate drip from their words
Actively punishing
Pursuing
Now it’s silence
Hiding myself
They don’t even know I’m worse than I was
But how do you say their the problem
There’s no proof
It’s been years upon years
Of fighting
Constantly
And still no one sees
Are they talking about me?
Judging me?

I wish I could change the world
Change the misconceptions and judgements
To speak truth and banish fear
The silence is condemning
I’m an actress, they’ve told me that
It’s an insult, didn’t you know?
I never asked for this
Suffering is supposed to be for the better
How?
I’ve been told but it makes no sense
They have not been where I am
Those who have, I’m tired of their words
I’m tired of being told things will be better
They used to be comforting but no longer
They only make the feeling worse
And they’re trying but it doesn’t account to much
I don’t understand why I can’t receive comfort from them
Why does it cause more pain than relief

I’m writing this for then
When I can look you in the eye and tell you these things
Of the scars I have
The memories I’ll never forget
The life I have to live
Of fear
You could say I’m stronger now, yes, to ease your guilt
I’m still broken but I’m not the only one
There is someone who needs you to be strong for them
Learn to love
For real this time
Sacrifice, giving of yourself when there’s nothing to give
Pushing when they don’t want to be pushed
That’s what love is
Putting someone else before yourself knowing you could lose them at any time
Expecting nothing in return
Giving yourself up to keep them safe
Let no one be unloved

This poem is about: 
Me
My community
My country
Our world

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741