...Solving...

An Unsolvable problem

Most every breath was rich with panic and desertion

i

l i v e d

anxious over everything, next to anyone.

I’d worry incessantly, feeling out of place.

Wrong in every wHichAway.

 

I was relieved to have the big C

eager to escape my bleak future

A problem you see

I wanted to end,

accept life looked nice once death

was certainly no choice.

 

Death

a ready remedy to problems.

I was always fodder for my faults & fumbles

I promised the problem

 

I couldn’t seem to fall in line

or see the point of me being alive

high school + 5

daddy Warbucks death + 2

I was still nothing...

I was supposed to be

I’d missed all my deadlines

& social rites of passage.

I wanted more than to fit in;

a becon for the masses.

 

Degreed or at least married,

married with child,

or maybe just with child and graduating soon,

or maybe just a fiancee or at least a boyfriend?

A talent perhaps...

No attachments whatsoever, never.

Nothing to define my existence, I wasn’t clever

You’re so pretty, I don’t understand why you’re single

I’m so anxious, Where does one even begin to mingle.

Why won’t you finish school?

I am so god damn anxious

Do you want to be a cna forever?

No, but the panic keeps me

Don’t you want a child

I traded that possibility to survive

 

Cna to room 5, Please!

Cna, Cna, Cna...

I’ve wanted med school since

Emergency 911 and E.R.

A Doc huh?

Might as well pursue the thrown

Who are you kidding?

MYSELF.

I just want to help people.

That’s what you’re supposed to say

They’d tout it was everything but that

They’d say I wanted the money.

I’d recant that I wanted the mind.

They say I want the lifestyle

I insisted on being a lifeline.

I want knowledge.

I want to be one of few who know’s the answer

whom would know just what to do,

maybe for you.

 

They say I want status

but it’s just a stance

I’m ready to do this dance...

with the odds

my gpa, or what’s left of it.

 

I’ve cowered but no longer

It hurts too much

a problem solved,

I am

Unstoppable

I refuse to believe I am not good enough

scoffs at my dream

just push me harder,

every falter paints the plan farther and farther

 

Motherhood,

the only thing I wanted more

gone

I’ve gotten out of my own way

allowing myself grace and love as an adult

I now know I have power

to make damn near anything happen

bowing to nothing and noone

it’s a fight no one can ignore

years of self deprecating discourse,

indeed

I am fighting against it

I will conquer

Now that the problem is

...Solved...