Naomi Bush

Sitting In A Room Full Of People

Sitting in a room full of people

I still feel lonely

Scandalous ideas rushing through my head

Damn! Why am I not dead?

Sometimes I just feel so lost in space

I'm running in a race

But I'm still in last place

I'm searching

But I still haven't found me

So now who can I depend on?

Not Naomi

Because last time I checked

She didn't even have her own identity

Searching for myself in a world so cold

Watching my friend get shot when I was 15 years old

What kind of madness is this?

People living in denial said it was bliss

But I can't believe this shit

On a life journey but I'm living a lie

Smoking weed in the basement so I could get high

It was the only thing keeping me out of reality

And that's exactly where I wanted to be

It's a white man’s world

And I'm just a lost little black girl

Looking for solutions I can't find

Hiding memories I wanna leave behind

Painting my journals with words

There are lessons that I have not yet learned

Praying to God in troubled times

He did not answer

Why do I feel like I called the wrong line?

Hated myself with a passion

I was the outcast of every group

I guess hating Naomi was the new thing to do

I was always the odd one that stuck out

Even in grammar school I was the one to talk about

It was all God in the end

He was my last and only friend

Lost my dad in 6th grade

I keep remembering that sad and tragic day

Words of life sprang forward

I wrote in my journal looking for a better understanding

Yet I still felt like everyone ignored me

No one heard the cry inside

They thought it was okay

They were just blind

Blind because they didn't feel my pain

But it was so present

It was rushing through my veins

My life has been fueled off of anger from being the reject

And now I'm just another white man’s project

Living in the hood all my life

Hoping someday I’ll find a better life

But those battle scars keep popping up

I'm growing

But soon my time will be up

Couldn’t do what most children did

I was stuck in the house raising someone else’s kids

No childhood for me

No morning cartoons on my living room TV

Hateful words fly toward me and I dodge them like the bullets in the hood

Hoping I could run fast enough like the little engine that could

Walking down the streets and the boys hollering damn she look good

My insecurities led me to believe what they said

But the only thing they were doing was geeking up my head

See my grandma worries about me more than ever now

She's scared that I might grab that gun and hurt everyone who did me wrong

See that's the kind of anger that fuels my soul

I’ve been angry all my life; basically since I was 9 years old

My heart turned numb

It was completely cold

Trying to keep myself calm but I see no logic in man's rules about life

See my grandma always told me that two wrongs don't make a right

The feeling of understanding that I just never felt

Learning to play the hand that life has dealt

The streets are tough but I am tougher

The game of life is rough but I am rougher

Wait Wait Wait

Scratch that

Hannah my guiding star was the trigger

It was like an epiphany

I was in the dark but she helped me see clearly

The only reason I'm alive is because of Jesus Christ

Welcoming Him into my heart so there was no strife

Cleaning up my mistakes

Believing in Christ is a risk I'm willing to take

Scriptures from my mouth spewing out like darts

I won't need the Bible because I should know it by heart

“In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths”[1]

Easier said than done

But let's remember that God is the Father and the Son

Sinning over and over again is like slapping Jesus in the face

When Hannah explained this to me I felt like a disgrace

No lukewarm

No middle place

You can only serve one master

So that's the choice I had to make

Acknowledge God in every step I take

I know with all my heart

He’ll help me on my journey

And guide me on my way