seventy six days sober

compare me to roses

please

i am desperate

paint me as an angel

a luminous body from heaven

crawl into my skin

and permanently stick

i beg of you

sing me sweet words

and let me feel the faint thump of your chest

 

and then forget me

close yourself away

ship a box belongings to my front doorstep

and burn the pictures of us

i was selfish to hold you captive

 

love me

love me

but don’t let me chain you

leave me

leave me

 

I dare you

 

take rusty nails and pin them to my spine

to paralyze me

 

tie ropes to my hands

to bind me

 

carve my skin

so every scar prevents me

 

burn me until my love has extinguished

 

scorn me

scar me

 

rip at the tendons in my knees

so i can’t walk back to you

 

sever the nerves in my brain

so i can’t think of you

 

blugden my mouth

so i can't smile at the thought of you

 

take needles to my eyes and sew them shut

so i cant read what you’ve said asking forgiveness

 

change your name to something vile

so i won’t remember its sweet vowels on my tongue

 

slam doors in my face

so that the vibrations can be heard in these pale walls

 

driving reminds me of you

one deep breath before the clink of ignition

 

it is much like my love for you

a pause before igniting

anchoring my stomach to the ground

grasped my lungs and squeezed so tightly

i haven't taken a breath in years

 

i exhaled when you left

 

but i would rather gasp for air

than drown in all this oxygen

 

white knuckles on the edge of chairs

with the waves of your memory.

crashing onto me as if i ever learned to swim.

 

But i was a leech on your body

clinging and waiting for sustenance

and yes, when i see pictures of you

my hands shake

and yes, whenever i see strawberries

i sob

and maybe ive started to call you

but hit end before the first ring sounds

 

i hug my knees when i cry

you know that

but lately i've been folded into myself

scratched thin red lines into my thighs

scraping my fingernails in search of flesh

 

screaming at the ceiling

and at curtains

and at mirrors.

how dare you mold me?

make me like this?

 

fine china that is broken by a slight touch

you are a drug

whose highs i long for

whose hits i crave

stop being this addiction i have to keep feeding

i've tried rehabilitation

but every time i pledge to never think of you

 

i relapse.






 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741