Dear Self,

Why bother right? Right.. You tell yourself that you have to be amongst the

favored.. but are you really? Waking up to the realizations are troubling. I

struggle to keep afloat and to give the impression that I'm not an empty

shell. When really I'm fading with every passing moment. Longing to find

my purpose to no avail. Fighting to hold on to the last bit of humaity that

I have. But,  I've been damaged.. knowing and unknowingly and I'm

recovering slower and slower. I hate days like this.. filled with gloom and

dispair. Wanting to kill or be killed just to rid myself of the pain. The

neverending pain that nver seems to go away fully. All I want is to be

happy, to have a family and to be loved. Why is that so hard when there are

so many unworthy mothers. So many undeserving of such a privilege. I'll

get out of this rut I hope. Much sooner than later. I just hope its not by the hands

of me.