Dark, lonely room

   door locked shut.

No one even knows it’s there –

    unaware of my double life.

I live with the fear that they’ll find out.

Wander down that hidden hallway and

   find a key to that room

Unlock the door and find my secret and

  the little white lies I’ve told to cover it.

It’s a lonely life – no one knowing your battle.

The years of therapy –

   them telling your parents you’ll never be where you are now.

The friendless early childhood

   all leading up to finally being “normal enough” to hide it.

Half-wanting someone to find that room,

  find out about that ancient battle

Maybe give parents hope for their kids –

But, no!  That voice says you would lose everything –

            the friends

            the parties

            the popularity

They have no clue.

They say they love me –

But would they, still?

Or would they look at me like a freak?

Their whispers about me carried around by the wind ….

I still fight that battle some days.

My parents said “no” to drugging the symptoms like some parents do.

When I get nervous, some of those old signs reappear -

I snuck a sleeping pill once to keep my hands still.

Some days I think – What would I do if the full symptoms come back again?

Would I go through all of the therapy again?  - or would I end it?

I know there are more like me living this double life.

Some days, I wonder – “

  “Who are they?”

  “Where are they?”

I have a friend like me

living the same double life,

scared of being found out.

There are probably thousands more –

         Living a double life with autism.