Sick to my stomach with the thoughts circulating my heart,

Contemplating suicide like it’s the only choice I got,

I’m stuck in my head like a 90’s cartoon ,

Backtracking ... I’m lacking,

Lacking self love..

Lost.... looking for the stuff that left,

Don’t know if I wanna be happy or depressed,

I say this like it’s a choice , I’m a mess

I act like...

Like I’m not suffering from the dark grips of my multitude of distress

Its depressing,this is strange but it ain’t new

Been this way since the age of 6,never really foun’t my way

Brain been on the frits, don’t know if it’s cause of my impending womanhood,

my lack of childhood, or the loose grip of reality that my neurons seem to snap fire at,

I’m a fire sign, everything I do seems aggressive

Can’t be gentle because it’s “not a look on me”, guys want me to be “thick” but don’t want me “to lose my shape”

Fuck you,you make me sick, you think I don’t analyze my figure

day in and day out

Battling both anorexia and bulimia

Aint that bout a...

My mom trippin on me I feel like

She my abuser

Might get messed up

Ducked up over things

I never choose to let things happen to me

Can’t make choices

Can’t keep friends

She keep isolating me

Treating me like a bad guy

Like ion got good grades like

Ian a good person

Like I don’t go out my way for them

She’ll never understand the pain I’m in.....

I see the monsters in my nightmares come to life...

Everytime I come to school I see them...my abusers

I’m not a victim, I damn sure don’t look like one

My pain gets discredited because I’m told “I’m too pretty” to worry bout the wrong done to me

I’m not a victim,I’m a survivor

So don’t let that slip outta ya mouth

You might make me wanna cut you..

Like I cut open my skin so I can feel the pain in my body instead of in my heart

I’m a hypocrite I can tell

I preach positivity but find myself falling deeper down the rabbit hole

Losing my rabid mind

Maybe it’s time to let go

But I got people depending on me to live for em

Ion even wanna live for myself

What makes you think imma wanna stay and fight a fight,

Ian even want to be born into?

It’s crazy, people expect you to know where to go or who to go to when you struggling

But if you lost hope in ya relationships, your friendships and your faith...

Where tf can you turn too?

Drugs?

Sex?

Money?

It’s all disposable

That how I feel about my body

Dudes used me then left me...

Bodied

I ain’t never felt less whole when those dudes each took part of my soul

I’m riding a wave of anxious depression

Can’t tell where it starts and when it’s going to end

This stuff is killin me

It’s really beatin me

I ain’t got any energy left in me

Disrespected,Disregarded,Tarnished

It’s fucking difficult dealing with me

Ion even wanna deal with myself

I wonder how he does it?

Where does he begin to love me where I want to end?

It’s refreshing but I have a feeling it might end

I’m not good enough to be fought for

I’m undeserving of his love

He’s been riding with me since the 7th grade

Dealing with my episodes

But this one is longer,ghostly,bloody

He might leave me for another chick

Whos got more interest in the stuff he likes

For a girl who got more boobs,figure and brain then I do

God is she beautiful,who am I to compete with a girl like her

I stand no chance it wouldn’t surprise me if I turn around and foun’t out they fooled around

He tell me not to worry and I’m the only one he’s ever really been pining for

How can I believe that when I was told by many before?

I don’t know where to find the difference

It’s not my intention to be spiteful and snarky

But a girls heart can only take so...much

This shit breaks your mental

Get it together ,they want you to get it together

Because it’s oh so easy for you to get over a boy(s)

To move past having an almost baby

Now that’s some shit to kill yourself fo

Stressed yourself out so much over a nigga

He cost you ya baby

Ain’t that som shit

Your nigga supposed to be your peace Cause you already rocking wit hell on earth He turnt out to be the devil his damn self

Might be seeing where my “daddy issues” fall into all this

Been chasing boys who’ve been abusing me and using me like he did my broken mama

She still working on getting it together cause even my stepfather cheated

Will he be the same?

I don’t think he would but people can tempt you

And Niggas have been known for once they get a taste of pussy

They chasing anything with one in between they legs

I don’t wanna generalize him because he’s greater than that

But if I don’t know myself anymore, and I chose the wrong people,what makes me a good judge of character?

Am I really as toxic as they say I am?

I don’t mean to be...

I just want to be the best girl I can be

I love people so much but also hate them with every fiber of my being

These feelings are beyond me

But I’ve always been told my heart was wondrous

Such fleeting emotions

I wanna be a better girl,got so much hope and aspirations

But I keep drowning in the dark entrails of warped depression

I guess I’m just a sad girl wit a big heart.....

 

The End

Was only my beginning

I still got a chance to win this big thing

God trynna put wings on shoulders

The devil trying to shake em off to give me bat wings and a tail

I’m just hoping my Heavenly Father grips on to me well

Turns out I was wrong about the love of my life

He turned out to be a picture I couldn’t paint

Once he got a taste of what a bad bitch could do

He turned around and thought he was the king of the world

Now he wants to taste all the flavors in the world

I’m not bitter,not exactly upset

I’m conflicted

Wanna be happy for myself because I grew but mad at myself because I knew it was going to happen

At least I know how I’m supposed to be treated now

I always claim I’m a goddess

But he damn sure made me feel like one

Now I definitely won’t settle for less

He’s my bestfriend all I’m wishing for him is the best

I hope he’s happy yerrr

Cause imma be happy too

By myself,with guardian angel holding my hand

Imma tough girl,

I can solider it through

This new year is an open experience

I get to explore more of whom I am

And what my purpose is in this world

I am greatness, I am self less

I’m still a sad girl with a big heart

But now I have a hopeful mind, and adventurous spirit I am what they say I am and more

This is my year and I’m going to take it

 

I’m supposed to be taking this year but the handles riding off it reins

But it feels like I’m sinking again

I keep disappointing not only myself but others around me

I no longer feel as strong as I did

I feel like I can’t trust the kid

But I’ve known you for so long

Used to tell you everything

Now I can’t tell you everything because you told me to stop

Stop? You want me to stop being honest with you

Cause that’s what’s going to happen

I can’t talk to you the same anymore

There reluctance to even let you know whats wrong with me

Why everytime I try to communicate my feelings I have to be “arguing”

Why can’t we just have a conversation

I love you I truly do but I feel like you’re toying wit me

Like you only wanted me back cause you plotting and playing for teams

It could just be my insecurities but that’s all you showing me

Want me to give you booty on the dime

But can’t even ask me “what’s the time”

I’m confused

 

 

 

You left again 

Not only did you break my trust ..once more 

You disrespected me,truly disrespected me

You said I cheated you said I was a whore

I am none of those things

I can’t put myself or anyone through that type of pain

So why would I do it to you

I no longer want to be apart of you

You used me as your trophy

You never trusted me from the beginning 

You made me think I was your world but crumbled me at the end

You lied to me and others to make yourself feel better

Most of my “friends” don’t even look at me the same anymore because of you and your lies

I know my character but you really went out your way to hurt me

When I told everybody to be there for you even if they didn’t want to talk to me

I wanted you to be happy

But that was my mistake for thinking you’d wish me the same

I still don’t know who sent you those screenshots 

I still don’t know what your mother thinks of me

I don’t know what’s been going on in your head 

But I think I no longer care

I was moving on to another guy but he played me too

All these guys just want to get in my pants

I just want the real thing, I want real love

It always seems to be in my grasp but so far away 

No one truly loves me like me 

I love me but I crave the  affection and attention of another 

Don’t get me wrong I can still do bad all by myself 

But when I can’t handle things by myself

I need someone other than just friends and family to lift me out that mindset

Lately my soul feels like she’s drowning 

Someone’s grabbing ahold of her talking her down pulling her in to that icy cold water 

That burns your throat and chills your body 

I can feel her fighting but she can only fight for so long 

Love is supposed to be attainable but it never is

I’m such a kind soul and a kind heart but I get used time and time again

I’m better off alone

I have no hope for love

I used to be a hopeless romantic 

Hated to think love could fix everything 

But if it couldn’t even fix me

What’s the purpose 

I’ll never be the same after all these games played on my mind my heart and my soul

I’m still as strong as a black woman could be but that’s doesn’t mean I’m not scared to love again

I suppose my time will come but until then 

I’ve reached my end

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

Synniaha Williams