a reflection
a cigarette
between split lips
and shattered bottles
the taste of whiskey as i tripped
365 days
infinite ways
it seems like ive changed
it pains me, looking back
on the days when i was just a sad sack
sitting on the floor of the trap house
looking for a hit like it was cheese for a mouse
no love, no hope
just looking for a body to grope
hitting people up at 3am
they're busy, they can't, they say no
and i'm angry
im frustrated, my invitation
was nothing other than an interpretation
of the feelings of not wanting to be alone
not wanting to fall asleep because my fears gnawed on my soul like a bone
so i'd use a depressant
to drown the gnawing fears but, consequently
my fears consumed and they drew me closer to them
every time i sobered up id be left trembling
but i convinced myself that i was getting better
that it was just bad weather
and that i was just tethered to pain
but it would away, wouldn't stay in my brain
i wouldn't have to change, wouldn't go insane
addicted.
not to the liquid, not to the smoke
but the ghost that i became.
so when my heart broke
but all i had to do was cloak
my fears and rage protected me
deflecting everything that tried to get close
then it changed.
there are people who come into your life who can change everything
and for these people you will and to do anything
to make them feel the happiness that they give you
you'll do anything to help them like they helped you
so i did
i bit my lip and i gave it up
the liquid, the smoke
the cloak
now i find the positive in everyday,
the sky is no longer grey
i find joy in everydays skies
and i don't give up when people attack with lies
i pray
i sing
i even shoot up when the doorbell rings
see, these are things i hadnt done for years
i shut every joy out because of those fears
i was like a caged bird, now im a dove
if theres one thing thats changed about me,
theres one thing
i share, i feel, i accept
love.
m.f.