J’shawny’s journal 2nd day before event

I have always resorted to poetry to seal off the hurt. The pain I have is always rising. I feel the abuse I always feel is put through me because of my durability. My hurt is the very thing pushing me to keep going. It stays with me all the time. It fuels me. It pushes me. The war I fight every day is what makes my clarity arrive.

Pain of the dead sister.

I have never felt this type of love before

I just wanted more and more

But when she gave me more she gave me hate

Something I could very much relate

She showed me things I couldn’t unsee

I could not suspect such treachery

When I found out out I wasn’t real

It gave me a cut I couldn’t heal

That was my mistake of my life

To take the ways of the knife

She asked me if she could sing me a song

I said yes, sing along

Hush little brother, please don’t cry

I wish I could be there to sing you a lullaby

I can see your arms, bloodied and bruised

Thats strange little brother, mine were like that too

I know you scream when daddy’s there

Hush little brother, I know you’re scared

I can see the way he’s hurting you

I’m sorry little brother. He did that to me too

I know that people ignore whats going on at home.

That gets me angry little brother. You shouldn’t have to be alone

You want to know why I’m not there

Its a sad story little brother, but people should care.

You see little brother, one day daddy got high

You were in you’re crib so you didn’t hear me cry.

He screamed at me and smashed my head against the door.

While you slept little brother. I died on the floor

You know little brother I don’t think I would have died.

If only someone had bothered to listen  to my cries.

But hush little brother, daddy’s coming home,

Quick get into bed, you don’t want him  to  find you alone

I’m sorry little brother. he’s in a bad mood,

Scream while you can, call for help

Hush little brother, you don’t need to cry

No one can hurt you, you’re in my arms tonight

 

I still remember the pain you caused me

I wondered why it hurt me so much

Maybe its because I viewed you as something precious

Every cut in me is because of you

And I’ll never have that view of a person ever again

Because now I resort to someone who understands my pain.

Who has been through pain like I have.

Not the abuse you caused, but the abuse society caused.

You: Over thinking this is like waking up in a labyrinth

Palaces of mental instability cacooned in one glimpse

It’s a sea where I can’t maintain the strength to swim.

And when I look at you, your face becomes dim

You’ve been an imprint on my mind

You’re trauma sticks with me all the time.

How many walls do I have to hit

Before I can minimize this gift

Because seeing you is like a curse.

Its a burden factioned from the worst

I am told to keep working on each scar

Puring cream on it to decrease the pain.

But it only makes it stiff and hard.

And it doesn’t clean up any stains

I look up and you’re still here.

Mocking me as I persevere

I wonder if this is a part of me

A scar or another disability

The only place I don’t see you is when I look into the mirror

Is this good or another crumble of fear

Questioning this is a continuous loop

One that never reveals the truth.

When I finally adjust to hold your hand

You disappear and leave me abandoned

I look around wondering you go

I turn around and I’m struck with a fatal blow

I see you with  a hole in your chest

I just realized I was next

time of death: 1;54

When you told me you don’t love me anymore

Place of death : The park where we met

I remember the haunting words which escaped your lips

the look on your face

As I took a metaphorical bullet to the chest

Cause of death: You

When you stabbed me in the heart for the first and last time.

A fatal blow but in the coroners office

All the report will ever show is

Time of death: 1:54

Cause of death: trauma to the chest

 

Broken glass it hits the floor at last.

Shattered dreams hidden beneath each pieces harmony

Each piece resembles a part of us

The distance in-between resembles each cut

And when they walk upon our pieces

It only progresses us to heathens

A relationship once so precious

No mirror could ever make us jealous

Even within each crack

But now I think it could’ve just been a mask

One that we all wear only yours was more sincere

Portrayed to each reflection

I thought I was only capable of such deception

Now with our mirrors half broken

Our realities remain frozen

With every piece crushed to every particle

I know the next step is only logical

Separation: divided and removed

Locked away with no chance to improve

And what was once a stable mirror

Decays as we both disappear.

What am I, A question I most frequently ponder

Something of a unnatural kind.

I sometimes never honor, and yet this is what I am

I am the emptiness within the ether

I am the darkness on the other side of the mirror

I am the hate that changes and reappears

I am the soul of many and the weight of few

I am the creator  of another game that beckons with another victims hue.

I am the quality of moldy bread

I am the thoughts messing with  the good in your head.

I am the dirt upon the perpetrators shoes

I am the psychosis affecting the mood

I am the menacing thought of regret.

And what I think of myself is not your concern

Me becoming a statistic is another part of the hurt

And me seeing my destiny is part of my rebirth

 

J’shawny’s journal day before event:

I write endlessly to no current frequency. There’s no point but I keep going. I guess it’s a flow within my broken mirror of layered hurt. I see my scars and it’s a scewed reminder of my strength. But my strength never flowed in the right direction. It just bled right through. I spent my evening playing with my gun. I felt all over. The handle and the barrel. I realized the power within that simple artifact. How over centuries man perfected a tool that disassembles the soul from the body. The very humanity we once had is lost every time we pull the trigger. Yet I too will be upon the fragment which humanity’s favor has been spent. For me it’s worth it. After every burn and cut, I’ve kept going. I’ve dragged my limbs toward the goal deflected all this time. I want this. I don’t want peace. I want the dead to be dead and the cycle of corrupt nature to be acknowledged. No one ever asked me if I wanted a different option. Why should I. This society created me. It made a monster of unwanted outcomes. I objected to my repetitive nature of taking abuse and fought. Killed in fact all to make a point. A point you’ll probably never get. But at least I progressed to the stance of combat. And in war there are always casualities

 

Ethan’s journal

One of my greatest gifts in life is being blessed with a brain. The human condition is too much for me. The hurt and torture other’s convey on a daily is horrible. Yet I’m doing the same thing. I’m a hypocrite, yes I am. But I’m also deranged. A thought I don’t think enough about. I justify it any way  I can. I go on and on about the abuse caused by others. I don’t even think about the abuse I    

caused myself. I guess a relationship can change everything. Because I never used to think this. Until I met J’shawny. Now I’m not blaming her one bit. I’ve always had a choice. But I chose to ignore the right ones. I do love J’shawny. She is what she is and I guess thats what I enjoy about her. She’s always given me heightened adrenaline. And thats what I love about her. Not the psychological distress. And definitely not her violence. But one thing I do understand is her hurt. Her pain caused by Sparrow. Now I don’t know enough about her father. But I do recognize abuse when I see it. And the fact that her father is still present is just another piece of her hurt. Sparrow was another test to our humanity and we both failed. But at least we failed together. And in our failure, we both exploit the abuse. Because something we have is evidence. Yes, real

evidence. And when our story is told. All I want is justice for those killed and abused. And for those kids who have succumbed to the adult pressure of pain. They’re as good as dead. Thats why I am doing this. I don’t know about J’shawny. But I don’t enjoy this. I don’t enjoy causing hurt to life. I just see my purpose. And my purpose is death within justice. A necessary evil I honestly believe that. You can call me crazy. It doesn’t matter. I’ve already made my move. Make your’s. Reveal the truth about Sparrow. Thats all I ask. And if you are actually reading this, you have a hidden interest in me. My motivations and my revelations. So please support the cause. Not for me. Not for J’shawny. But for the dead. For Oliver. For Brad. For Hope. For Rebecca. The list goes on and on. And if it really takes a massacre to make you realize and be able to see. Then this society is sick. It’s Fucking sick. I never wanted this. I never wanted my memory to be as a psychopath. But I guess that’s what it’s gonna take. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. I’m already stating my apologizes. Another wasted life upon the shelf. That’s the difference between me and another murderer. I am actually doing this for justice. J’shawny is a different story. She enjoys this shit.

But I’m still dedicated to her. Because she’s too much like me. Maybe that’s my weakness. Her. I think I’m right. But at the end I’ll still be wrong. And at the end I’ll still be by her side. All I want is her to feel love in her eyes. I love her and I hope she feels the same way. Because near in the end I’m doing everything to prove I’m not insane. And everything I did wrong is my eternal pain. And I’m taking all this hurt to my grave.

The event:

J’shawny is sitting in her room. Her mind is set. She knows what she  wants to do

She just doesn’t know how she’s going to go about it. Her gun is under her bed. She starts to think about her trauma and why she’s doing what she’s doing. She slowly maneuvers under her bed and grabs her gun. She goes into the bathroom  holding the gun and ammunition boxes. J’shawny stares deep into the mirror. Her face is leathered within her hurt. Every piece of it showing. She begins to load the gun. Her psychological state is starting to spike. She then takes the gun back into her room and calls her dad. Her dad hears her calling from upstairs and comes upstairs towards her room. J’shawny is standing by the edge of the inside of the door. She has the gun pointed at the entrance. As he begins to enter she pulls the trigger. One shot is all it took.  His blood is leaking through the side of his head. As well as the wall painted with his blood. J’shawny’s mom pauses in shock of the sound. She tries to decide if she should go upstairs. A thought that just kept pressing until she went upstairs. J’shawny was waiting for her. And as that second trigger was pressed. J’shawny started losing feeling. Feeling for her parents. Feeling for her family. Feeling for anyone. J’shawny walks boastfully downstairs to see her little sister looking in wonder. The wonder that she always had. That is, until J’shawny pulled the trigger. J'shawny sat down. She had just squeezed the last living life out of the house. Because J'shawny's thoughts have changed. She no longer considers herself living. She’s dead and she will be at the end of the day. But now she feels as if death is living. Thats where she has crossed the line. The line she’s been trying not to cross for 16 years. Her thoughts are racing. The anger she’s always had is inevitable. It’s surging within her and like always. She’s trapped within the grip of her reality.

J’shawny grabs her cellphone and dials Ethan’s number. “Ethan, it’s done” she says. “Okay I’ll be over” Ethan responds. And as she hangs up the phone, her thoughts progress to what comes next. J’shawny goes back upstairs and grabs her dad’s keys. She then goes to the basement door and unlocks it. The door opens and she enters. J’shawny stares at the sight of the guns. She fathoms what she’s about to do. She views it as inevitable. She views it as another part of her. Her inside scars bleeding through. J’shawny walks over to the ammunition cases and begins taking out the M4A1 ammunition and the AR-15 rounds. As this is going on, the doorbell rings. J’shawny arms her sidearm and answers the door. To her relief, It’s Ethan. She immediately lets him in. “You okay?” he instantly asks. “I’m fine, a hell of a lot better than I thought” she answers. “Come downstairs and I’ll show you how ready I really am” she continues. The both continue downstairs. Once in the basement. J’shawny begins to gather the duffel bags. “There’s yours” says J’shawny as she points to the M4A1. “It was my dad’s specialty” she continues on “You know being daddy’s little gun girl seemed to work out in the end” she says. Ethan pauses and begins to reply. “Please don’t forget, I love you and the hate you feel I share. Us doing this is ultimately what needed to be done to expose the abuse and corruption within Sparrow. And the fact that you are enjoying this alarms me.” says Ethan with concern. “You honestly believe that?”

J’shawny asks Ethan. “That this is what needed to be done”. “Yes I do” says Ethan with honesty. “Then you are as jacked up as I am” J’shawny concludes. “You know if you don’t want to do this” begins Ethan. “NO” J’shawny yells. “I’ve already killed my fucking family! Fuck yes I am doing this” says J’shawny. Silence wraps around Ethan’s vocals. “Okay, Lets load up” Ethan says quietly.

Both of them begin to grab the duffel bags. J’shawny loads up the pressure cooker bombs. And Ethan loads up the guns. J’shawny grips the evidence and places it with a sticky note and tape and conceals it in her sock. They now load up their gas masks and begin loading everything into the car.

Finally as their minds are set. They begin to drive to sparrow. The parking lot is beginning to fill and Mr Williams, a Sparrow security guard is sitting having his coffee. J’shawny and Ethan are now minutes away from Sparrow. Ethan is driving while J’shawny is in the passengers side. They pull into the parking lot. J’shawny rolls down her window as she spots Mr Williams. The first visible security officer. “Pull up next to him” she says to Ethan. Ethan does so and they pull up to Mr Williams vehicle. J’shawny immediately shoots at his view through his glass with her side arm. The first shot did not pierce. The second one did and the third killed him. Quickly Ethan and J’shawny abandoned their positions from their vehicle. Now both of them with their gas masks on begin to take aim at fleeing clients. Ethan hits Isabel Sandoval. The shot instantly kills her. The effectiveness of the head shot. While this occurs J’shawny takes aim on two running clients. Brian Knight and Anton Severance. Brian is hit and immediately killed. And Anton is pierced in the leg. J’shawny closes in on the struggling Anton and kills him with a head shot. Ethan and J’shawny start to close in on Sparrow’s  front entrance. They leave the pressure cooker bombs in the duffel bag by the vehicles. At this time, emergency vehicles begin to close in. J’shawny takes aim on the pressure cookers. Shooting shots until the bombs explode. The explosion sends a fury of debris as well as destroying two unmanned vehicles. Three clients are also injured. Ethan uses the key card to open the entrance. And as they both begin to enter, A security guard Daniel Flores shoots at Ethan. Ethan’s body armor is impacted. He stumbles and starts to lose balance. J’shawny instantly kills Daniel Flores with a head shot. Ethan looks up to J’shawny. “Thank You” he says. J’shawny’s inflicted hurt is taking it’s toll. She can’t stop and sadly Ethan’s last words was “Thank you”. J’shawny shoots him in the head and takes his weapon and proceeds inside the building. J’shawny immediately enters the office  and looks for survivors. She then kills three Sparrow workers and proceeds to the cafeteria. J’shawny then kills four more clients and two more staff.

J’shawny’s thoughts begin to reign supreme.

Regret, why do I feel regret. I did it. I took back my halls of abuse and yet I still feel empty. I struggled for sixteen years. Between the grasps of my dad and the inflicted harm of Sparrow. I finally had a triumph. I should feel good right. I don’t. I feel as if I wasted my life on this moment. Yet I never had a life, or at least thats what I was told every day at Sparrow. And Sparrow was my life. I never had a life with my dad. Abuse was my life. But scars did make me stronger. And that’s why he’s dead and I’m not. Wait!!

I’ll be dead in  a couple minutes. Maybe I’m actually like my dad. Daddy’s girl yet again. Fuck I hate being daddy’s little girl. Yeah, you can call me a coward. I guess my anger that has always been is finally going to cease, Too bad right. I don’t what I’ll be without it. Yes again, a thought of the easy way out. Well I’m sorry, I’m taking it. My last grasp of life stolen again by my selfish ego. Goodbye.

J’shawny gripped her gun and pulled the trigger. S.W.A.T and emergency services arrived surveying the area. The victims and the perpetrator.

 

“Paul, Paul, Theres been a mass shooting at Sparrow. You know that treatment facility. “What, What happened?” Paul asked. “Put on your badge and I’ll brief you in the conference room. Angrily Paul Hess got up and went to the conference room. “Two known perpetrator’s. Ethan Phillips and J’shawny Wardha. The story is they both entered Sparrow parking lot at 10:16 am. They almost immediately made their first contact and then both started killing civilians. But get this J’shawny killed Ethan in the middle of the massacre. And then proceeded to kill 9 more civilians bringing the body count to 13 as we know of” says Natalie his director. “What, why as we know of?” asks Paul. “Because there was bombs that exploded putting 4 in the hospital.” she replies. “I’ll brief you on the rest once we get there. Paul in puzzlement follows Natalie driving to Sparrow. As soon as entering through the police barricade, Paul was in shock. The parking lot was torn apart, with debris and bodies scattered. Paul pulled up next to the arriving news crews and emergency services. “What the fuck happened here?” Paul asks Natalie. “Just as I told you” she says. “No, No, They were trained. I mean look at this. It’s a fucking war zone.” Paul responds in fury. “ They were only 16 and 17 years old.” says Natalie. “What!” Paul says in shock. “Yeah they were clients here.” continues Natalie. “Hmm.” Paul mumbles as he begins to curl his lip.

“Come on, I need you to see inside. Says Natalie. “You’ve been put on lead for this case due to your expertise in the psychological field.” continues Natalie as she leads Paul towards the front entrance. Paul immediately notices Ethan by the front entrance. “Hmm, she shot him in the temple while he was already struggling.” says Paul. “Why do you say that” asks Natalie. “Look at his foot, it’s distorted from the impact of a round. But not from her gun or even her angle. He was shot by someone over here first.” says Paul as he points to Flores. “Yes, thats according to the witnesses and the visible security camera at this angle.” confirms Natalie. “And J’shawny kills Flores. Lets go inside, I would like to take a look at J’shawny’s body.” says Paul as they both enter Sparrow. Paul follows Natalie in to the office and then to the cafeteria. Where Paul slowly walks to her body. Her Glock is still within her hand. And the M4A1 by her kneecap. The AR-15 is by her left foot. Her blood all around her head. Her scars are revealed as Paul lifts up her shirt by her stomach. Paul cringes at the sight of this. “She was only 16” is the only thought going through her mind. Paul then notices a sticky note sticking within her sock. Something is in the sticky note. It’s a flash drive. Paul reads the menacing words upon the note. “My Life Acknowledged.” Paul instantly takes the drive as material evidence. After debriefing with HQ, Paul sits at his desk, his finger is twitching. The flash drive is right by his thumb. Finally he grabs the flash drive and plugs it into his computer.

 

“Look,who’s ever watching this. Acknowledge this” says Ethan as the footage turns to Sparrow staff. The staff is torturing a young lady by pouring boiling water upon her legs. And then the staff member pours liquid from a flask upon the woman. He then drops his lighter as the flames engulf her within a contained environment. The footage goes back to Ethan. “Go behind Quiet-Room A and you will find 19 more just like her. And by the way, her name was Rebecca.

They are covered by black plastic covering. I maintained from the start, these complaints. And everyone thought I was crazy. Well look at me now.

The next of the footage turns to J’shawny.

I’ve possessed many scars over my abused life and this one sticks out the most.

She turns and reveals her back to the camera. She has a large practically drilled hole in her back. Leathered within scar tissue. The picture of this gave Paul goosebumps. J’shawny turns back towards the camera adjusting her face to the camera. I got that scar at Sparrow. They were trying to kill me. I used my nails to scratch myself free. I should have been dead. And I took that as my punishment. The fact that I’m not next to Rebecca and Hope haunts me. I hope you’re going to do something about this. Because if you’re watching this, I’m already dead. I died because of my anger. My purpose. Prevent this.

J’shawny says this calmly as can be. She then ends the footage. Paul is still staring intently at the screen five and then ten minutes later. Paul after hours of thoughts provoking his humanity finally decides to pursue this.

“Natalie, I need to talk to you.” Paul says patiently. “I do too, Paul” Natalie responds. They quietly enter Natalie’s office. “Officers found J’shawny’s family killed by her hand bringing the total body count to nineteen.” begins Natalie’s

“Yeah, I found out some shit too.” replies Paul. “And what is that?” asks Natalie.

“Sparrow is killing their kids and thats why this shit happened.” says Paul.

“That’s outrageous.” replies Natalie. “ Where did you get that Intel?”

“Where do you think, The suspects.” responds Paul. Natalie’s face turns within shock. “Paul. You need to let this go.” says Natalie. “What? It’s my case” Paul responds. “This is bigger than you would ever know. Please trust me when I say let this go.” says Natalie. “I can’t.” replies Paul. “Then give me your badge and gun.” Says Natalie. “Seriously? Thats how it is.” responds Paul. “Paul, I care about you, so please trust..”  begins Natalie. “Care has nothing to do with it!”

“Sparrow is equally as guilty as J’shawny and Ethan!” interrupts Paul. “We’re using there names now?” yells Natalie. “Get out of my fucking department!”

After hours and hours of contemplating the outcomes. Paul grabs his gun from his safe and begins to  load it. Only hurt is in his mind.

“Where’s our Savior. I’ve been a man of Christ my whole life. And I never see the hope that should be. You have death all around. Life’s lost for no reason. And in all these terrorist attacks. I’ve finally found one that happened for a valid reason.

I should be relieved right. But I am distraught. The fact that it is happening for a reason is a complete pathway to see the corruption of this country. Yes, the Flag has been broken. But I think it always was. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to handle this. Because if it’s happening at Sparrow it could be happening anywhere. And if I do this what will the real outcome be. Justice or another broken finger.” Paul gets out of his car. He is parked further down from the building. He slowly grabs his gun and conceals it. He enters the building’s side entrance with a direct key pass. He passes two cleaning attendants and waves to them. He passes them unacknowledged. He spots Quiet-Room A further down the hall. He slowly walks towards it. He enters the Quiet-room and spots the door behind the Quiet-room. He sadly opens it. The bodies are exactly how they said they would be. Paul does notice that it appears like someone has been cleaning up the deceased. Paul pulls out his phone and starts his video camera. He sends the footage to Natalie. “Paul! I’ll send this in but please get out of there!” yells Natalie upon the phone. Just as Paul begins to turn. Nathan Barrela, Sparrow’s head administrator forcefully grabs Paul forcing him to the ground. Paul drops his phone while Natalie is watching in horror. Paul grabs his gun and instead of shooting Nathan. Paul shoots himself. Nathan releases him instantly and looks upon himself. Nathan has Paul’s blood all over his pants. And he slowly looks over to the bodies in the room. The police are already there and Nathan slowly succumbs to his reality.

In loving memory of: Paul Hess 1964-2018  Tristan Neese 2004-2018

                        Rebecca Collins 2002-2018   David Horsaw 2003-2018

                        Hope Rodriquez 2004-2017  Trevor Hernandez 2002-2018

                        Oliver Pullis 2001-2017         Alex Johnson 2004-2018

                        Brad Kirkland 2002-2017      Tyrone Hudson 2002-2018

                        William G Collins 2001-2018 Hugo Steinberg 2003-2018          

                        Diego Gilberte 2004-2018      Caleb Downing  2005-2018

                        Isabel Sandoval 2000-2018    Frank Williams 1979-2018

                        Brian knight  2002-2018        Anton Severance 2001-2018

                        Daniel Flores 1981-2018        Hannah Hayden  1985-2018

                        Christopher Fensik 1975-2018 Lillian Grayson  1992-2018                      

                         Ethan Phillips 2001-2018    J’shawny Wardha  2002-2018

 

The harsh reality of all this death is the overwhelming factor of corruption and the thin line between good and evil. A boundary that has so long been lost. And it’s even harder to distinguish the two. So in this situation, what should you really do. When the one place and final place you were sent too is abusing you. Destroying you crumb by crumb. And everyone already views you as a mistake. Another statistic. And you don’t want to one, but you’re already thought as one. The people that come to help you, Therapists and staff members. They don’t know what it’s like. They try to understand and try to feel empathy for the unknown they can’t fathom. But you’re still in your reality. You’re stuck. And when you try reaching out past the line, you’re always put back into check.

I wrote this story to bring awareness to the kid’s in the system. All across the states there are kid’s trapped in destructive scernarios they don’t want to be in. Some of them caused it themselves, but some of them didn't.

And even though this story is fictional. It highlights ravaging truth for many kids in the system. “The place we were sent to, to help us, is actually hurting us.” Yes, hurting us in the long run. But for some of us, It’s not even a long run. Because we let our life become so short. We don’t even think to look ahead. What could have been becomes lost as it usually does.

This story is important to me because It shows me what I avoided. I hope you see the importance in my story. Because it’s not just my story, it’s the story of many. It’s just not told enough.