The one thing I used to fear

Is that I will no longer be able to write 

beautifully, 

because I no longer feel 

deep and scary things.

you see, 

those deep and scary things 

were never real, 

so my words 

were just a fantasy

that i turned into 

my reality 

so that i could say i was feeling 

deep and scary things. 

and then i would turn those 

deep and scary things 

into something beautiful, 

something to be proud of, 

—

something to strive for. 

And I thought 

the deep and scary thought 

that there was no hope, 

when really, 

hope is what i was scared of all along. 

so i wrote of all these deep and scary things 

and i made them beautiful 

and i became hopefull 

of never being hopefull 

so that i would not lose 

the deep 

and the scary

and the beautiful. 

Then one day I stopped feeling 

the deep and scary things 

And I didn’t even notice their disappearance. 

I did all my normal stuff

And I thought all my normal thoughts 

Until it was brought to my attention 

That the deep and scary things were gone. 

And I think at first

I was startled, 

Because I heard silence in my head 

And I could feel my heart beating 

And there was movement of my chest. 

I think for the first time, 

I took a real breath. 

And for the first time 

I was existing 

And I was hopeful 

Of being hopeful 

For what would come next. 

—

I think 

For the first time in my life

I felt something beautiful. 

And I think now,

For the rest of my life, 

Everything will be beautiful.