I have a bookmark of your voice on my laptop

called "for bad days"

but lately I've been opening it every day.

I miss your light

I miss seeing it close to me, feeling it glow over me

and I used to miss the aching, hollow, god-this-hurts pain in my chest

when it was absent

but I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Because how could reality ever compare to you?

How could I ever find myself choosing four awkward silences and twelve unfinished thoughts

over one whole, complete you?

God, you've ruined me

fucking ruined me

I will never get better because I'll never get past you

I'm a junkie for your softness, for the gentle heartbeat I hear behind your smile

And loving you has made me better in some ways

but made me worse in every other way

fuck, I still don't care

and I don't think I will again

Believe me, I know how bad this is

I've sat in the dark and marveled at how shattered I am

how beyond broken every piece of me is

But somehow, all that matters is that I am for you

All of me is you

Your laugh is the pulse of blood through my body

and your peace dusts my skin with permanent goosebumps.

Maybe I'll whisper "don't worry, I'm here with you" into my threadbare sheets again tonight

just so I know you've really heard it

I'm here, I'm here

don't worry, don't worry

I wonder if people think I say that to myself

when it's for someone who's always two thousand miles away from me

god, you still feel close when I least expect you to

so much so that the distance doesn't make me bleed like it used to

fucking everything made me bleed in those days

I'm not weak like that anymore

I'm numb, mostly

except, of course, when it comes to you

in which case I blossom at merely

the suggestion of your light

as I stand in the ecclesiastical glow of you and your love.