Doctors showed me what pills to take

Physiotherapists showed me how to get my body back in shape

Family showed me how to love myself 

Friends showed me how to move on 

But nobody ever showed me how to heal my mind

I was never told that ptsd was something that could happen to me

That it wasn't just for war vets and rape victims 

Never realised how scary it actually is.

At first i dealt with it

Repeating the same scene in my head every night 

Waking up at 3am because I can't breath

Closing my eyes and seeing myself in that wheelchair again

I knew that was gonna happen.

I knew that i was gonna get through it

But two years later here i am,

Trying to get back to normal life again but still drowning in my fear

I promised myself that i was starting fresh

A new phase 

A new life 

A new me.

Im trying 

Im trying really hard.

But i got out of the water half an hour ago and my heart is still racing 

I know I'm okay

Doesn't seem to make a difference 

The fear of not making it out alive again

Of going back to where i once was

Comes in sprouts

Sudden anxiety and mental and physical shocks that feel all to real

I hate that i have to write this

I didnt want to write about it

Didnt want to admit that I wasn't feeling as cheerful as i wanted to be

Writing about it makes it real

I guess maybe this way these thoughts can leave my mind

Hopefully my life too