The Psychology of a Lover's Apology

To My Dearest Beloved,

I want to start by saying,

I’m glad you’ve stayed this long.

I don’t think anyone else would have.

It’s been five years,

Since you first hesitantly said,

I love you.

I believed you at first,

But I’ve since wondered if

You said it to just say it,

Then slowly grew to mean it.

It doesn’t matter now,

But you know as much as I,

That I think too much.

It’s a personal flaw,

But it keeps my head sane

While also making me insane.

As a child, I never thought about psychology.

I had no reason to.

But now, I’m studying psychology.

And as a result,

I’m learning about myself.

More than ever,

I’m realizing I’m not who I thought I was.

I’m beginning to understand,

Why I treat you the way I do.

I never intend to be cruel…

I never intend to criticize your life choices.

I never intend to belittle you for not putting me first.

I never intend to overreact when you don’t say “I love you” immediately after I do.

I never intend to make you revert inside yourself.

I never intend to snap when you say something I don’t like.

I’m sorry for continuing to talk after I say I’ll stop.

I simply cannot help it sometimes.

I’m learning,

That I was not a secure child,

Oh no,

I was very anxious.

And I think that’s why,

I overreact to small, meaningless things.

I swear I don’t mean to.

I’ve only ever tried to love you as much as my heart will allow.

We’ve both tried doing our own things,

But we can never make it work.

We come running back, every time.

Some would say it’s fate—other’s call us stupid.

I say,

It’s because we have an attachment too strong.

I want to give you the rest of my life.

You say you want it—I believe you.

But can you handle me?

Really, really handle me?

Handle me when I’m depressed?

Handle me when I’m manic?

Handle me when I’m angry over nothing?

Handle me when I’m loving you too much?

Handle me… forever?

Forever is a long time.

I want forever.

More than anything.

But I worry that someday,

You’ll realize,

You don’t want to be with someone who has mental illness.

You know I try to be strong.

Somedays, are just harder than others.

Having that anxious childhood,

Where I was overly dependent,

Only makes me a paranoid lover.

It’s not fair to you.


Such a grounded individual, so level headed.

I’ll never understand,

How you fell in love with my wildfire self.

I test you at every turn.

I keep you on your toes.

I piss you off.

I constantly expect you to leave,

And never come back.

But. . .

You do.

You’re always there.

So I apologize,

Over and over.

I apologize,

For the past, the present, and wholeheartedly for the future.

I don’t know enough yet,

To determine the psychology behind this apology,

But I just want you to know,

That I love you.

I have for five years,

And I will for forevermore.

If you promise to always talk,

And not ignore our problems,

Then I think we can last.

But please,

Never hold my words against me,

And I’ll try not to do the same.

Despite any refutes,

I stand by the belief that,

From the first smile, laugh, conversation,

I never knew love until I met you.

Love may be hard—it's certainly never easy,

But I promise to always try, if you promise me the same.

Sincerely yours,

Your crazy, overthoughtful, psychologist lover.

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