dearest sadness,

you are cold.

a calculated killer.

stalking me in the earliest hours of the mornings.

haunting me in the latest hours of the night.

leaving your sweet kisses up and down my arms,

your footprints on my pillowcase,

your blurry outline in my farthest memories.

silent nights are an understatement.

 

i am writing to the only people i've ever trusted.

i am beginning with you because you've been around the longest.

you used to tuck me in at night,

and close the shudders.

 

you learned my deepest secrets,

became my most trusted friend

and deepest lover.

 

my favorite teacher.

unveiled me, and made me yours.

i don't know that anyone could ever love me

---the way you do.

you, and your words.

your countless attempts to take me with you.

i owe you my life.

 

because of you--

understand why i only live my life

inside of my own head.

why sometimes, you can lose different

parts of yourself,

and still go by the same name.

 

our love is bittersweet.

and as much as i despise you,

there is not a life without you.

 

to ask if i am afraid is a loaded question.

but from our history, i have learned,

i will never make it out of this alive.

please.

tell seretonin,

absence made my heart grow fonder.