Dear Mom,

First week of college and I may or may not

Have caused the Chernobyl meltdown

I swear I didn't do it on purpose.

Also, I invented this thing

And I tested it on my roommate.

One good sniff and she didn't wake up

For four hours.

I think I'll call it chloroform.

And another thing - did you know I set foot on Mars?

Probably not.

It won't be in the papers for another

80 years or so.

Speaking of, Time machines are

No longer a thing of the future.

And they made Star Wars III because of me

And humans have fire because I showed them how

Dear Mom I invented the teddy bear

The printing press

And the atomic bomb

And let others take the credit.

I bred the dinosaurs into chickens

With some Komodo dragons on the side.

The unicorns didn't get on the boat

Because I forgot to send them the memo

And God got mad at me

And when he tried to smite me and I dodged

I started the London Fire of 1666.

Dear Mom it's the first week of college

And I may or may not have, but my source tells me

I probably didn't.