It's been two years now.
Two years of hiding scars and razor blades,
Two years of food deprivation and self-hate,
Two years of therapy and prescribed medication,
Two years of attempted suicide and a hospitilization,
Two years of destructive secrets and violent emotions.
Two years is enough time to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself,
Its enough time to fatigue your mind,
Its long enough for you to wonder when you last genuinely smiled,
Long enough for you to realize that something has to change.
The anxiety and panic attacks need to stop,
As do the self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
I can’t keep living like this, I have to make a difference,
I just hope there's enough left of me to do so.
I Want My Mind Back
I want my mind back,
I want to pull it back from this monster's possession.
I want my body back,
I want its soft curves and round angles.
I want my stability back,
For a break in these churning waves.
I guess i don't really know what i want,
But I want to understand.
My thoughts are positive
My heart is light, content, and inspired
But there's a weight in my chest
A weariness in my bones.
Deep inside me their is a stone
It drags me down even as i float
It pulls at my ankles and asks me not to go.
How cruel of this monster to give me the illusion of freedom
Even as it holds the end of my leash.
A Drop Of Water
A drop of water
Insignificant, invisible, powerless
Onto the surface of a pond.
Creating a ripple,
That creates ripples,
That continues creating ripples,
Until the entire body of water comes alive
Than is still once more
But something has changed
The pond is just a little deeper.
A drop of water is all i am
But when i create those ripples
It is everything i am
And even when that drop of water settles to the bottom,
Those ripples continue forever.
The Language I Speak
The language i speak is not one you would know
My voice is composed of symphonies
My sentence the stroke of a brush
I speak through metaphors and poetry.
When my tongue fails me,
I speak with scales and notes,
And if words can't describe it,
This language has connected me to the soul of the world,
Still isolates me from my own kind.
I have yet to find another human
Who speaks a language quite like mine.
Edge Of The Pier
I dont walk the edge of the pier
For fear I'll feel compelled to jump.
I spend restless, broken nights staring at the ceiling
Praying I won't wake up.
When i think of comfort
My mind goes to hair curlers and razor blades.
I fall to pieces in the shower
Wondering why god had to make me this way.
Im exhausted from battling my own thoughts
I just want to end the pain.
I want to destroy this monster
Scream, claw, tear it to pieces
Cry for the pain it's made me cause others
Yell for the pain it's made me inflict on myself
Stab it for the viscous thoughts it put in my head
I want to strangle it, burry in in a wasteland
I want to kill it like it wanted me to kill myself
But i can't because it lives inside of me
The only way to reach it is through my own skin
The only way to starve it is bt exposing my own ribs
The only way to kill it is by slitting my own wrists
Or live as a host to this murderous parasite.
Mental illness is like a parasite.
It infects you, slithers in through your eyes, your ears, nose, mouth,
Where it sits inside of you, making your body a host.
It starts slow, a queasiness in your stomach as it feasts on the tissue.
As it eats, it grows, expanding into your lounge, heart, finally your brain.
It gradually consumes you, bit by bit
Until it is no longer inside of you
But it becomes a part of you.
It starts to control the way you feel, think, and behave
Your body no longer belongs to you.
Every day becomes an ongoing battle as you try to fight what is now your other half,
As you try to get yourself back.
You can't let this parasite take full control
But it's already too much a part of you to push it out,
At least not without hurting yourself in the process.
It burns where i drew blood
Drew blood for no good reason at all
Other than being used to it.
Maybe i just like how familiar it is
Maybe it's just an automatic defence against emotional pain
Maybe I was just looking for the comfort it never brings.
I don't enjoy doing it,
But if i dont the thought of doing it pictures me
Like a craving that won't go away
Until is satisfied
Only to come back over and over again.
If I Painted The Walls Red
What if i painted the walls red with my own blood
Would you say it's a masterpiece?
If my body were a work of art
Would you hang it in a museum?
String it up by its throat for all the world to see.
If my flaws made me beautiful
Would you still try to erase them?
Nobody wants to see beautiful things,
They would much rather witness gore and madness
If i painted the walls red with my own blood,
It would just be like red ink.
If Mirrors Took Photographs
I wonder what would happen if mirrors took photographs,
If everytime we looked at them, that moment was captured.
We could watch how we changed over time
Witness our own evolution.
I wonder what secrets the glass would reveal,
Secrets I would probably break the mirror to keep.
From rivers, to ice, to dynamite
I can withstand a blizzard, but break under a drop of water.
I want a soft body, as i actively starve myself
My mind races with tasks to complete, but my body is too tired to carry them out.
As drained as i feel, i can't seem to slow down
And i can't sleep until i make ice, ice, i need to make ice.
I want to get better, i don't want to hurt myself, i feel content
But why do I have a strong urge to cut my arms?
In my darkest moments i wish to hang myself.
My mind does not make sense at all
That is why it's so hard to explain.
I can hardly keep up with its ever changing cycles
The cycles that always end in a circle.
My skin is young
But my soul feels old
As though it's seen more years than I've been alive.
Weary, waisted, waiting to die
My body is to youthful
For this ancient heart of mine.
Wrap me up in mother earth's womb
Let her packed, dirt walls embrace me,
Her strong roots keep me warm.
In the darkness of her stomach,
Let me rest.
The toxins from the world above cannot penetrate here
The only sound is that of the earth's heartbeat
But I cannot hear in my eternal slumber.
I dream only of silence, nothing more
For the only reality i ever wanted
Was for reality to end.
I sleep with a smile, if nothing else, there is peace in death.
Take my body from my mothers arms,
Bury it in another.
Weight Of The sky
I will carry the weight of the sky on my shoulders
Without making a single protest.
I will bury the bodies of my loved ones
And not shed a single tear.
I can meditate every small war,
My voice never raised.
When my heart is purged of all joy,
I still wont cry out.
Drive a dagger through my back,
And I will smile through the pain.
Once the walls are washed of my blood
And the world is quiet and safe
Only then will my pisces scatter
This is when I choose to break.
Just A Little Light
I wish to carve a little nook out of this world,
One so small, it's almost invisible.
From my little corner
I will weave pockets of love,
Threads of hope,
And snippets of wisdom.
I will send them out into the world, packaged in a kiss blown from my fingertips.
Where they go from their, i do not know,
But maybe they will touch a heart, a soul, or a weeping chasm.
It's the simple things that make this world bearable
And if shedding a little more light is all i can do,
Then I will do just that.
How can you be so strong, yet break so easily?
Your petals can withstand a storm
But a drop of water scatters them.
Do you ever get scared walking on ice?
Even though it appears solid, you know any moment it could crack.
Crack like the mirror that dictates my worth
Crack like the facade thats biome my identity
Crack like the picture that paints my reality.
When your whole world is made of glass,
You know any minute it could shatter.