I'm not so good with words

or picking up on "social cues"-

or maybe I am.

In fact, I think I'm too good.

I pick up on things that aren't even there sometimes all the time,

things that aren't directed at me mostly,

and I can't help spending a long time worrying

about using the right words

and if I used the wrong words

and what if I upset them

or if I insulted them-

 

When I send a message,

I wonder if I'm annoying.

The response always seems to be charged

with annoyance, with anger, with impatience,

like they're wasting their time 

by responding to me.

So then I'm filled with fear and regret

and I'm reluctant to talk to them again

out of the fear that I am a burden to them,

even if they are my friends.

 

When I text them and they don't answer,

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

After all, haven't I been ignoring avoiding them?

Haven't I been avoiding conversation

out of fear of being annoying

and pushing the people I care about away?

 

But by not talking to them, 

I still push them away.

 

I can't shake the feeling

that I'm a burden,

I'm not good enough,

they deserve a better friend,

they deserve better than me,

they deserve so much better than a scared girl who can't get up the nerve to talk to someone-