i'm afraid

of what i feel because, 

nothing can control it.

attemps are made to tame 

this fear, 

yet in my throat it's burning.

 

i'm afraid to feel alive

my blood pumping, my eyes open,

because alive is happiness

and happiness if boring

 

my sodden life of misery 

a double sided blade

these crooked fingers 

keep me sane,

sharp claws with hands to hold,

 

everything feels futile

my legs are broken, 

my soul is cold.

looking for something that fills the void

i know only i can hold.

 

my mouth it won't admit

what i'd really do to die

my speech's controlled by poison

and self preservation

 

apathy won't let me go of

what goes on the other side,

because,

honestly

as much as i'd like to be free

more than that

i want to die.

 

and you don't want to 

see me try.