A pain reserved for fridays

Dearest,
In the mornings I can still feel the volume of your body next to mine and the slow rise of your chest as you inhaled. And in the afternoons I still search for your face in crowds of places you used to go and in the driver's seat of cars that look like yours used to. And at night I can hear your laugh echoing inside of his. And everyday i drive past the buffet. We sat midsummer. And i remember thinking that that would be the last time i saw you. And part of me wishes it had been. And the truth is, my love, that Jack is a good man. And he fights for me like you never would have. And you would like eachother outside of these circumstances. And if i squint, he looks just like you. And I'm sleeping much better now that I'm not thinking about you as much. And its all getting much easier. And I'm not as closed off. And I'm not as defensive. And I'm not nearly as stressed. And I don't cry as much. And I'd give it all up if you asked. I'd run to wherever you are. I'd leave it all behind. I'd burn it down because I love you like fire. Burning, hot, destructive, painful, exciting, growing, beautiful, bright. And that is why i have to leave you behind. Or rather let you leave me behind. And the truth is, my love, that I can still perfectly picture our lives going on together. I can picture you coming back in two months. I can picture you fighting for me. I can picture us happy. I can picture our forever. But its too dangerous to dream. And too late for forver. And there ia too much in the world for me to sit and wait for you. And ao im getting rid of these pictures. The one of you in the rollerblades in the building where we met. And max in the background. And my friends on the balcony. And I'm starting to dream on my own. About so much more than you. And the night sky settles and i can see myself in her stars. And its like the world is growing all around me. And while you were running, I was building. And something new is finally growing. And i can finally say it. So here it is. Congratulations. I know how much you wanted this. I see how happy it makes you. I know what you were willing to do to get it and how hard you fought for it. And even though we don't believe in the same god I still pray for you. And i pray for your happiness instead if your salvation. My piano player. They always told me that love will find a way. And I'm starting to think that maybe it won't. But maybe I will. And I'll open up the window. And I'll let in the light, and the warmth, and the sound of the birds. And I'll forgive Kate. This grief doesn't belong to her. And I am so close to finding the sun. Because the world is so much bigger than you now. And I'm so glad.

Love always,
The one who got away.

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