Six years old

Running around chasin’ after boys

Free spirited & high on life

Lots of laughs & lots of noise

 

Ten years old 

My best friend wearing her very best

As I run around in long shorts

Matching all the boys in dress

 

Thirteen years old

All my friends are boy crazy

Wrapped up in the social scheme

& then I begin to think, just maybe…

 

I begin to approach boys

As I attempt to conform

Unsure what i should be feeling

But nonetheless, appeasing the social norm

 

But that social norm would be tried

When i was approached by a girl during basketball

With a demeanor so coy

Natalie would be the first of them all

 

Feeling something I had never felt

Confused to say the least

I had never seen a same sex couple

& had definitely never imagined my first, to be me

 

Vowing to keep this relationship a secret

As I feared reactions of others

Ultimately driving a wedge between me and my friends

And an even bigger one between me and my mother

 

It would not be long

Before my mom found a note

Addressed from Natalie to me

That I noticed missing from the right pocket of my coat

 

One afternoon

My mom summoned me to her room

She did not have to say a word

I already knew

 

Tears running down my face

So calming with the words she'd say

Speaking out of great concern

As I relentlessly pleaded “I’m not gay”

 

Comforted by this response

The topic merely died

Freshman year rolled around

& once again, I tried

 

I took a boy to homecoming

Jake asked me to prom

Giving hope to my parents

But it all felt so wrong

 

Genuinely lacking interest

My parents would grow concern

“Jake’s such a nice guy”

But there was another girl, as they would soon learn

 

They discovered Katie

As they found another note

You would think I'd have learned the first time

Not to store them in the pocket of my coat

 

This time i was approached

Far less gracefully 

My mom was upset 

And my dad placed shame on me

 

He would use the word of god

To nullify my actions

Pushing me further from my faith

And creating a relationship of fractions

 

I continued to rebel

But very discreetly

As I knew how I felt 

But hoped to figure it out completely

 

As Katie and I carried on a relationship

It became very clear

She had concern for her relationship with god

And I had very little fear

 

As senior year approached

Katie and I would drift

But I would extend beyond my line of comfort

And attend a Lutheran church event 

 

Turns out, a week in Houston

Would be all I needed

I knew that I was loved

And became sure of how I should be treated

 

Upon my return home

I decided to no longer live in hiding

My dad had taught me a lot

But it was my turn to do the guiding

 

Standing up for myself 

Was one of the hardest things I’ve done

And although he has not fully adjusted

The future looks bright for the long run

 

Being gay is not a choice or a defining term

Yet challenging me with an array of opposition

Teaching me more and more about myself everyday

And impelling me to be a woman acting on her own volition

 

Six years old

I was chasin’ after boys

And at eighteen years old, I stood up for myself

I made that choice