I just want to wake up in one piece.

I just want to be whole again.

I haven’t been normal, unbroken, in almost a year.

I just want to be fixed. Is that so hard? I just want this to stop.

 

I don’t want to feel this horrible deep aching pain inside my soul that will not cease.

It weakens me bringing tears to my eyes.

I literally want to scream in rage because I cannot reach the pain.

It is not in my shoulder itself its deep in the unreachable areas of the right side of my chest.

 

When no one is around I claw at it knowing with each rake across my body

I am no closer to the ache. I have a deep hole inside

that was temporarily filled but now I am being left alone

and my feeling is being taken as well. I am tired of this pain, I cannot be strong anymore.

 

At least not tonight. I have held on for so long but tonight I can no longer do so.

Who knows how many nights my world will crash?

I just don’t want to hold on any more. I am so tired of telling my

sad story that brings me shame whenever I tell it.

 

I am tired of people trying to tell it for me,

making it sound like I have triumphed when in reality I haven’t come close.

Making it seem that what has happened is nothing.

That I myself feel nothing.

I feel everything, they just don’t see me.

 

I just want to run, run to the ocean and scream into the wind

that’s raging around the shore right now,

scream into it until I grow hoarse.

A scream of pain and anger only the ocean can hear.

 

A scream teeming with agony and traces of a broken heart.

I want to be whole, the torture may stop then.

But I must stand at a distance from the only way of healing.

The process to put me back together could potentially bring me further

down into this darkness.