I'm scared

 

I'm scared for the math test in my fifth class

Getting dressed I slip on my white, soft skirt that falls in just the right way 

As I walk into second period my worries begin to pass

With “liberty and justice for all” I recite since kindergarten, and again today 

 

My fingers tap on the desk like a ticking clock as I wait for the bell to ring

My head turns to the kid in the back of class with his head always down 

“I wonder what his name is” I thought, staring at his black bag he never brings

Brunch begins and I see the kids who have been there for me since I began to see them around

 

I glance at our red and white American flag

Although I wish it wasn’t at half staff 

Some kids act like they're playing tag

Running down the halls where me and my friends laugh

 

From a distance, kids are sleeping on the ground 

A few who I typically see around

Yet my fear for the math test is building like a mound

 

I wonder if they know they spilled their red drinks.

Suddenly the intercom sneaks up on my consciousness while I think

 

No no no no this can’t be happening. What kind of sick, twisted joke is this?

Everything is fuzzy as my mind scatters through the hall

My heart beats louder than the vibrations at a concert I was surprised with 

While my mind first goes to the classroom doors as i see shutters fall

 

Each one is locked.

 

i’m all alone in the hall like an angel coming down from heaven

i sprint to a bathroom stall, staring blankly at the black walls bordering me  

My fingers shake as my watch says 11:11 

i see my math study guide holding this mornings fear, and my phone to tell them what they mean to me

 

My hands tremble as i text my friends not knowing if their hearts are still beating, or if they're a ghost

i wonder if my parents will ever see their child again

My eyes fill with tears like a gray cloud releasing a storm when i lived on the coast

 

This morning i was scared for my math test, now i'm scared for my life, trying to count to 10

i text my parents saying “i love you no matter what” hoping i won’t die at most

i've seen these things all over tv

But i never thought this would actually happen to me

i have been through countless drills

But i never thought my family would have to pay for my funeral bills 

2,032 in America leading up to today

The countless kids who were taken and just wanted to play

948 since Sandy Hook when we said “never again”

Yet they care more about guns then if mothers will ever hold their babies again

My tears are a hot stream of water down a lake, the one my dad and i visit each spring 

i close my eyes like a child hiding from their nightmares under the cover

Only i don't have a blanket to shield me from anything

Suddenly i hear heavy footsteps i don’t want to discover

 

The sounds of a ticking bomb ready to explode

Then, i realize the lock isn’t on 

More tears become a waterfall as they flowed

Yet i'm frozen like a radio stuck on one song 

and i'm sure my friends are gone

 

Promise to assure my mom not to grieve when i'm dead 

Tell my dad i wish he could have walked me down the aisle instead 

 

My watch says 11:13

 

The door creaks open

i close my eyes

Put my hands up

And wait for a bang

Guess i won't have to worry about my math test afterall