I need happy

everyone does i think but

I NEED

happy

there's too much pain in me

and around me

and it doesn't seem worth

my useless effort

to fight against the giant tidal waves

 

so i let myself drown

 

at this point,i've perfected the art of drowning

i can make my eyes stay open and calm

untill the last breath leaves

i can swish my limbs so gracefully

the entire Bolshoi Ballet burn with jealousy

i can work the wave to my advantage

and kill myself faster

 

when i find my happy

i secure it within my grip

and tattoo it onto my skin

because i cannot let go

if i let go, i will drown

and i don't want to, i

don't want to want to drown

 

excuse me if my happy

confuses you

disgusts you

amuses you with its stupidity

but it means my life

so fuck your judgment

 

i am in love with

korean music and media

shows for people much younger than me

angsty music that manages to pierce my heart

with its truth yet make my heart glow as well

wearing outrageous outfits filled with color, jewelry

of every kind and hair/head adornments

manga and anime and any food that allows me

to eat with chopsticks

the way I don’t feel alone when I watch

woody allen movies

cute and cuddly and vicious panda bears

men, androgynous and otherwise

watching and reading about people who fall in love

creating almost anything with a few volts,

programmed chips, and wires

writing the things I can’t and won’t say

 

And I will not let you

make me feel bad about it.