“Oh, and please leave room for cream”

I smile and tell the minimum-wage-earning teen behind the counter that he can keep the change.

He thanks me and I think it might have been his first tip today.

I sit down at a slightly sticky table in the corner that smells strongly of espresso.

I spread my school books out and study for a test on material I already know.

Shortly after, I grab my swim bag, and hit the gym before practice.

I get home, shower, and I fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

 

For all my hard work, I deserve an Academy Award for Best Actress.

That’s all this really is,

an act.

My life closer resembles a disassembled jigsaw puzzle with more pieces missing than are still left,

a bag of marbles with a black hole sucking up every last vestige of sanity,

but on with the show.

‘cause I’m the only one who knows

that I’m falling apart.

 

You don’t know all the pain, all the lies that I fight.

I am a soldier looking down the barrel of a gun and thinking

“how will I survive?”

 

I’m biting my lip

trying to get a grip

of a world slipping out of my grasp,

falling fast

not sure how much longer I’ll last,

when the only good

I seem to do

is give a tip

to a guy at Starbucks.

The only change I seem to make

is the 61 cents left over

from my venti fresh brewed coffee.

 

My persona is always smiling

sunny lovely lies.

But my inner soul has lost its hold

And I’m rapidly starting to die.

 

But I cover up the bags beneath my eyes

Wipe away every last tear I cry,

Because you will never see more than the face I don,

Never see more than my oh so clever con.

 

I put a filter on my life

And feign perfection.

And so far, I’ve done a great job

Of fooling everyone.

 

You think that my life

Can be wrapped in a neat little box

With crisply folded corners

And a satin bow on top,

When nothing can be farther

From the truth.

You doubt my words,

Just look at my room.

It’s messy,

Disorganized,

And my life is too.

 

There’s a fire in my heart

Threatening to burn without ceasing,

To consume every last cell

Of my being,

A tidal wave crashing

With each thump of my pulse

Wreaking destruction

On my nuts and my bolts,

Corroding the last

Bits and pieces

Of my peace

Of mind.

 

Today may be my last chance

To remove the filter I uphold,

And for just one moment

Be truthful, be bold.

 

I’m not ok,

But I’ve learned not to be ashamed,

And I want you all to know

That I am no longer afraid to say

I’m broken.