My father was the sun, his coworkers, friends, and family were the planets that orbited him. He was the type of man to walk into a room and ensnare all the attention that exists there. You felt as though he was sharing the world he held in his hands with you when he spoke. His voice rumbled past his lips like thunder and his laugh was the crack of lightening that followed. At six years old, he would throw me on his back and let me steer the mountains that were his shoulders. I was the most powerful six year old in the world. I was the Pluto that revolved around him, clinging on to him for dear life, praying he would let me stay with him. When he left the solar system, all the planets flew out of orbit.

                We planets find ourselves falling through space, seeking something that would pull us in and allow us to orbit safely once again. I have clung onto many things in order to feel grounded. Art, reading books, and acting have all distracted me from the absence of my sun. Temporary light comes from being a State Thespian Officer, working with the state to coordinate theatre competitions. I’ve taken art classes every summer since I was seven years old. I work at least 30 hours a week at my job. I’ve made it a point to go on a 10 mile hike once a month. Perhaps it’s a good thing that my sun left the solar system.

                I’ve been falling though space all my life, trying to find something that would allow me to feel safe again. My father leaving has allowed me to grow into something so much more than the dwarf planet that orbited on the outer most ring of the solar system. I lead thousands of people at state competitions for theatre every year. I lead the girls in my alto section of choir every day. I hold the breath of audiences while performing on stage. I lead my peers as the president of my thespian troupe. I am powerful, but I will never stop craving the steady orbit my sun provided me.

                I will never stop trying to be like my father, despite the fact that he left. I will never stop trying to achieve the same presence he held in a room full of people. I will never stop trying to be both the thunder and the lightening. I will never stop trying to make people feel as safe as he made me fell while sitting on his shoulders, grasping the entire horizon in my tiny fists. I will never stop wanting, needing, craving to have the whole world balance in my hands. I will never stop creating. I will never stop acting. I will never stop exploring. I will never stop trying to be a better version of myself, a person who is their own sun.

                I will be my own sun.