My heart feels whole again

Realizing that I have been the product of my own demise

For the first time in my life

I’m really not alone

Yet I claim I am

I got people that love me   

But I’m not sure if I love myself

Now I can’t look past my mistakes

I can’t count the small w’s

Or love myself the way I used to

I wanna cry and smile

I wanna sit down with my best friends and have conversations

But I’m not letting myself

And I now understand why

I’m not sure if I love myself

And I know I love myself

But I hate myself

I love myself more than I hate myself

And I know I love myself way more than you love yourself

So do I hate myself or love myself?

Am I just a lifeless body or a meaningful life?

I want to believe that I am a meaningful life

And I know it’s true

The love I hold in my heart carries me through

I love you way more than you love yourself

In fact, I love all of you more than you can ever understand

And I hate myself more than you can ever understand

But from that hate comes love

And on those late nights and unbearable showers

Where my life hung in the balance

Where my lifeless spirit just couldn’t take it anymore

I healed

I grew

And when you said you love me

You couldn’t even fathom how I felt

How could someone love me?

I used to think I was unlovable

And that I could only love myself

It was only my family and I

But I now realize that you were always my family all along

You were always there

I was just blinded by myself

Tinted glasses and wallowing in shame and embarrassment

I question why humans exist now and then

Because it seems as if our purpose is to tear each other and the world we live in apart

And then rebuild it

And the cycle continues

And I feel like that is what we all do to ourselves

I used to think that wasting time was good

I could die faster and I wouldn’t have to be alive anymore

That would be nice

But it was only more torturing

Sitting there and doing nothing

I know the urge was strong

There was simply nothing to hold on to

You couldn’t really blame me

I could never do it

But I always wanted to do it

I always thought I was meant for more

I see the world differently

People spit in my face and yet I pick them up in their darkness moments

I forgive but I never forget

I don’t hold grudges

I love all, regardless of anything and everything

But according to the world I was always useless and a monster

But now I see, I was a product of my own demise

I was a product of my own demise

I was never shot or abandoned and a lot of people have been through a lot more than me

But I know I have been through more than most

And that’s what carries me forward

I love myself

Yet I love you with all of my heart

No matter how much hate you throw back at me

I have loved you for 17 years

I’m not about to let go of you now

It’s not easy and I know you, know that

I know you do

But hang on

No magical inspiration or flipping of a switch

Just hold on

I love you more than you will ever know

And I know that you know

That love flows through your veins and your heart and your intentions

Love is your existence

And you are love’s existence

You are an ambassador of love

You are an ambassador of hate

You are an ambassador of pain

You are an ambassador of death

You are an ambassador of life

And that’s okay

It’s okay

Because you mean something

You have always meant something

You just never figured out what you meant

But what if I did?

Shouldn’t that be enough for me?

No it shouldn’t

Because you are looking for something greater

Something more meaningful

You are looking for the heart

You are looking for the mind

You are looking for the soul

Momentary happiness

Momentary sadness

Momentary affection

Momentary rage

Momentary feeling

I couldn’t see this life without you

And it will get worse

Because it always can

And it will get better

Because it always does

And while this may not make the average person smile

I know I made you smile

And it may not make the average person feel something

But I know the average person will feel something

Because you are not average

Because you just felt something

You know what it is?