Memories.

  When I tell a story that involves you, I always say, “so my best friend and I…” I mean, she was my friend, best friend, ex friend, old friend, ex best friend.  But now, the memory of you pounds in the back of my head, and every time I talk about you the meaning of every word drags itself up my throat.  When your boyfriend of one year told you that he did not like me and wanted you to stop talking to me, you said yes. He silenced your words with his tongue, and you listened because you thought that if he took your breath away, it meant that he loved you.  That night I took the pills given to me to make me want to live, and I swallowed them down with the tears you gave me. When I see you, thoughts come crashing down over my body, my feeble heart can't handle another look at you. Your eyes creeping on my mind. Your smile beams out of nowhere and I feel your presence on my side. I turn around, but you are no longer there.Only the sound of your name, wandering the dimly-lit streets of my mind.  Your nose sounded stuffy and I thought of your boyfriend, but it was just the coke. I sat there crying hoping you would see me, but you couldn't over the haze of your smoke. I asked you about it in the morning. I could smell the liquor on your breath when you told me you were too barred out to remember.  One night, I sat in the kitchen with your mother, her eyes were filled with so much pain that you are unable to see. She asks me if I think she is a bad mother. I do not respond. It's funny, how you can need a person. How loneliness can sneak up on you like a bullet from a gun knocking you dead. One minute I'm fine in bed, and the next I'm grasping at empty sheets wondering how the hell I let you go. Sometimes when I’m driving, I almost turn into your neighborhood instead of mine. That was my safe place of 4 years. You were my safe place for 4 years. And I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone screen. 
I should not miss you. You are not good for me, but part of me still hopes you’ll text me back.  But missing you only brings me to shame. You don’t have to say it. I already know. You don’t miss me at all, and I’ll continue to act like I don’t care. I’ll continue to pretend that I’m not missing you. But goddamn, do I miss you, but I can't face you. The sun amongst a million stars, brilliant in comparison by the human eye. You will always burn brighter, and I will be a black hole, absorbing all that's good into an empty space. I made a new friend, but not one that can replace you.  I found out that they live four houses down from you. When I went to go pick them up, it took me 20 mins to turn onto your street.  Hoping I wouldn't see you, wishing I would see you. I didn't think you would still have that much power over me.   When I picked up my friend, we drove around the neighborhood. Each street was a different memory I had with you. I know your neighborhood like the back of my hand, and no matter how hard I scrubbed, the memories still linger. Even though we hadn't’t talked in months, I would still see you in the hallways. I would hear your laughter in the background. It made me feel like you weren't gone from my life. But now, you got put in another school, because your mother is trying to be a good mother.In five years I will not think of you. In ten years you will mean nothing to me. The four years I put into our friendship was for nothing. This...is nothing.  And I still don't want to believe it. But now, you're just a stranger who walks around with my secrets and memories in their back pocketI don't think you realized how much you meant to me. I don't think you realize how embedded you were in my life. There are certain things I can't do anymore, or say anymore because they remind me of you. Does that still happen to you? So you still get flashbacks of our friendship? Does the memories of usever pop into your head?Do you miss me? Do you miss us? Please tell me that you miss me. Do youmiss the memories? Do you miss what we had? Because I do, I do.  I hope you have a great day and a great year, 
and I hope you love the rest of your life because apparently you didn’t love me enough for me to stay in it. 

This poem is about: 
Me

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