I love you like I love getting blood drawn –
You sting and cause pain, followed by slowly sucking the life right out of me.

I love you like I love homework –
You’re pointless, take up my precious time, and hurt me more than you help me.

I love you like I love jalapeños –
You make my heart burn.

I love you like I love tornadoes –
You create mass chaos in my life.

I love you like I love sugarless sugar cookies –
You’re a hypocrite in everything you do.

I love you like I love mosquitoes –
You swarmed into my life only to suck it out of me.

I love you like I love spiders –
You’re repulsive to look at and fatal when angry.

I love you like I love stringslap –
You hurt me even when I try to protect myself from you.

I love you like I love a broken record –
You constantly say the same stupid things and annoy me.

I love you like I love a splinter –
You get under my skin and fester.

I love you like I love pollen and dander –
You aggravate me and bring me to tears.

I love you like I love quicksand –
You pull me in and I can’t get out.

I love you like I love old shoes –
You provide no support.

I love you like I love blisters –
When you pop, your anger and hatred flow everywhere.

I love you like I love a dead zone –
You don’t give me the response I need.