I want to let my tears run like a faucet, that will never turn off.  Why do I allow myself to hurt?  I allow myself to pity me.  I allow her to think I am wrong and she is right due to age.  To her I have no faith.  To her am an illusion, I am a fake.  To me I am lost.  I am stuck in a endless black hole.  I want to go back to her and bring up every tear she has shed.  Every named she called a crappy person allowed in her life.  Everything she broke or threw.  Yet I have no faith, yet I am negative. 

    I am lost.  My pain is raw.  I hate it because I allow it.  I have allowed myself to grow like a tumor in my pain.  I dont wallow we are now one. Pain that is old and crusty that can easily be blown away.  Yet a pain that will not allow me to sleep, this pain courses through my veins.  My anger anger runns as deep as my bone marrow.  I am angry that I allow myself to hurt.  I allow myself to cry. 

     I allow myself to pust a cookie in my mouth, hoping to fill a void.  In that moment I ignore the fact my salivia will brake down that cookie, and turn it into one more roll on my hip.  One more roll to pinch.  One more roll to stare at wondering how I got here.  Don't get me wrong I don't look that bad.  Some days I think well he will show up one day.  He is just stuck in a tree, I laugh in agony. 

    I am confused and lost.  I am in a tree all the way on the top.  I peer down on the world underneath me.  I see evyerone pass by.  They continue to walk away.  I can't hide behind a smile anymore.  I stare at the two roads ahead of me.  I can take it a branch at a timeor die waiting.  Waiting for a love for myself or anyone else.  Waiting for a mentatl stitch that will never be fixed unless looked up.  Waiting for a life I never fought for.   How can there be a light at the end of the tunnel when I never boarded the train?  All I know is no matter what I do I will die trying.  I sm not giving up without a fight.