I can still feel three pairs of hands on my body

with three sets of fingers trailing my skin, my hair

six starry eyes gazing upon me

four words ringing in my ears:

 

“Because I love you”

 

Even though the words sound sweet,

the taste in my mouth when we kissed was sour

when I pulled back, they would say

“I won’t be like the others, I promise”

But such a sweet nothing turned into a cycle

and “because they loved me” I grew used to the bitter taste

Because they loved me, I no longer knew what sweetness was

because I loved them, I lost love for myself

 

“Love” misguided my identity when

His cute smile and little quirks got away with nine months of toying with my body

His tall frame and goofy puns got bored after a year and three months of hearing the word “no”

His strong arms and big heart spent a year and five months hammering me onto a cross I never asked for

But although i thought I knew better,

Love became four puzzle pieces I could not match together

       

Toxicity laid in bed beside me

And it smothered me in my sheets

In the scuffle, my muffled groans came off as moans

my throat would swallow every “no” before it escaped past my lips

A stitched smile sewed so tight when I wanted to fight against his grip

Because he said he loved me but then called me a whore

He said he loved me but then asked  “can’t I have a little more?”

He said he loved me but then yelled “why didn’t you mention any of this before?”

 

We’re not together anymore but they stick around

It’s been years and yet I still shed tears

Because I still feel three pairs of hands on my body

With three sets of fingers trailing my skin, my hair

I hear their excuses, their lies, their anger

Their aggressive eyes drilling into me

But today I can say that they did not love me

They did not care about the tangles they left in my hair

Or the purple stains on my skin that took days to fade

they will never taste the sour they left in my mouth

 

Because I loved them, I learned how to love myself, my skin, my hair

my watery eyes stained but I am no longer in pain

I am no longer chained

To the perception that love is demanding or fearful

Instead, I am free knowing I can see

that I am in love with me