Does a suicide note

Count as a love letter

If written only to the person

Who loves you more than life?

A last message for your loved ones,

Thanking them for all they are.

So much changes in a year

That I wouldn’t be surprised

If next December is accompanied

By another suicide note from a dear friend.

The last girl I lost

Had fallen in love

With the streetlights,

The lamplights,

The bare, dusty bulbs

Hidden in cold, dark attics.

Christmas lights,

Stage lights,

Glamorous chandeliers dangling

From cavernous ceilings.

And I swear to you

There was a light that shined

From deep inside her.

But if a girl shoots herself

And her best friend is too in shock

To hear the gun go off,

Does her death make a sound?

The answer is yes,

Because the aftershock is loud enough

To make any deaf person hear it in their bones.

It’s been four years

Since Alexis shattered the earth

With a nozzle in her throat.

And as surely as the sun will rise

I will not forget her last words.

“I’m not even crying,

I always thought I would.

I’ll see you soon, dear.”

To hear your ragged breathing…

Alex are you there?

Alex there’s music in my ear.

It’s like a chord

But with only one note and

It won’t stop singing.

Alex, the sky is awake.

Alexis? Did you forget your pill again?

Darling, I stared at the wall

For hours after I ended the call.

You were the sister I always needed

To lead me along.

You were thirteen, Alex.

Why did you have to go?

That’s not what I thought you meant

When you said you wanted to go home.

Alexis, it’s always three in the morning,

And I swear to God

That not a day passes where

I don’t remember you.

I wish you could see December this year.

There hasn’t been any snow.

Don’t tell God

But sometimes I pray to you instead of Him,

Because maybe if I pray hard enough

I can pray you back to life.

You should be seventeen now,

A senior in high school.

Don’t tell anyone,

But sometimes I see you

Walking down the stairs

Or turning around a corner.

I swear you’re still here, Ales.

I guess I never got to acceptance.

I went through bargaining and anger

But I never really realized

That you aren’t coming back.

I miss you so much,

And I try to live by what you told me.

“Love openly, with all your life.

You, just like me, are the one who gets hurt.

If we learn this then we don’t have to be afraid

To give everything we have.”

But you are gone now,

And I am left to wonder,

When will someone love me enough to stay?

Four years is a long time,

And I grew up along the way.

Can you see me now, Alexis?

I’m photographing all the lights for you.