It’s like walking with no place to go.

It’s a hurting feeling to hold onto something that you need to bring to God.

It’s way more daunting than walking on coal.

It’s the challenge of finding the beauty that will arise from the ashes of all of these burnt term papers which I so consciously write day-in and out trying to make a better life for myself.

I know, that somewhere, in the midst of my busy schedule that God will teach me to bear the fruit consistent with repentance and I will be born.

It’s like being confused in a place that you know all too well.

Being lost on a land, of which you have stored in your mind a map to each destination.

Now He begins to chuckle…*he…hehe*…

Am I telling God where I’m supposed to go? I don’t think so.

And then the constant lingering of the thoughts of how my mother drifts backwards and how my brother just can’t seem to go forward and I fill their void.

And how this void inside me continues to grow and grow and expand into this big black hole that I poked into my own soul.

For some reason, I just can’t seem to find my destination.

I’m walking and just don’t know….

Don’t know where to go.

Now I stop…

Nothing but a void.

And I stand on this hot coal and it begins to burn my feet.

Living with this so called disease.

I won’t let it burn me, you see.

I am much more faithful now that there is place, to which my legs and feet take me.

I am walking with a purpose; a destination.

And I gave it God…mmph what a feeling of relief.

And I bear the fruit of repentance! And I rejoice and thank God for the love that He has shown me.

Living with this thing that these doctors believe to be chronic illness, aah!

But God has shown me different; he has sent me visions.

My purpose is to serve, and continue to love as I wish to be.

He’s shown me that nothing will stop His work and His incredible mercy.

He saved me.

No more suicidal thoughts.

No more wrongs-when-I’m-rights.

I am only, but still, living with this thing these scientists call HIV.


Grant-Grey Porter Hawk Guda

Powerful expression! 

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