I have not written a letter 

like this in a long time.

It really has been a long time.

I have been thinking about 

what to say, how to say it, 

if I even really want to say it. 

I am even thinking about 

burning this and throwing 

the ashes out into the waves

Maybe that will work, maybe 

it won't. But here goes nothing

 

You raised me. You saved me. 

You formed me in a way that 

no parent could, no womb could. 

You cradled me in a way that 

no arms would ever be able to. 

You did so much for me and 

I love you for that. I still love 

you for that. I will never stop 

loving you for that. Even as 

the years drag on, and I am 

miles or mere feet away from 

you and I have stared out, 

wanting to go home- I realize 

that home is not a place, 

it is not where you are born,

But it is the people you 

surround yourself with-

Wait, but that does not work 

because I am traveler and 

there are no "people" with me. 

I am not even a person to 

be surrounded but a thing.

 

A thing that misses you, and 

I do not know how to say it- 

at least not in proper words,

Which is a hard concept to 

grasp because words are 

supposed to be my thing,

I am supposed to be the 

one who can talk things 

into existence. But I can not 

seem to talk things out of 

existence- not the way that 

I should. Not that I want to 

talk you out of existence, but 

I want to talk this separation 

between us out of existence, 

I want the thing that makes me 

stay away gone- I want to 

whisper in its ear and make it 

run the other way, but it will

run the other way because I 

can not make it do that, no 

matter how hard I have tried.

 

I miss you and I miss what 

you have done. I miss what 

you are doing and everything 

about you, but most of all, I 

miss the person I was with you. 

I miss the me that is still with you.

How is she? Is she still swimming? 

Is she smiling? Is she happy?

Is she still not hiding her teeth, 

does she still grin without a 

care in the world? Does she sing?

I do not. I have not sung in nine years. 

And singing was never really my 

thing anyway, that was more of 

my sister's. She was the musical 

one. She was the one who could 

pick up any instrument and play it- 

she did not know the names for half 

of her instruments, but damn could 

she play them. She compliments you. 

She is beautiful and flowing, she 

is sea-foam and bubbles and I am not. 

I am sand and earth and the wind. 

Not the sea-breeze kind, but the 

whistle through the woods kind,

Even though I do not belong there. 

I do not belong anywhere. 

 

I miss you, and all the memories 

we share. The good ones and the 

bad- actually, not the bad.  I do 

not miss those at all. The bad ones 

form the miles between us that I 

never seem to be able to cross. I 

want those gone, but I want you back. 

Well, I cannot say I want you back. 

That is not the right way to say it, is it?

Because you are still there. You 

have not gone anywhere- I am the 

one who left. I am the one who 

decided to go and leave, I am the 

one who sprung legs, got up, and 

walked away. You cannot come back- 

you are still there. You are still waiting. 

 

I am sorry. I am telling you all of 

this, because I want to tell you 

how I have been. How the years 

have stretched by, how the world 

moves on, how time spreads thin. 

There are so many things I wished 

we could have experienced together, 

but only I got to experience them 

and you did not get that same luxury. 

 

And well, there is another thing too. 

I met a guy. He reminds me a lot like 

you, actually. He is big, both gentle 

and rough around the edges, he is 

warm and yet cool to the touch. 

His presence envelops me in a way 

I adore and I desire and I straight up 

crave to be swallowed by him. He is the 

kind of water my gills were made for. 

He is the biggest breath of fresh air 

my lungs have ever been blessed with. 

I am made for swimming, and hell is 

he deep. He is the depths I have been 

dying to explore. I know I said he is 

like you, but I do not mean he is 

replacing you. Nothing could ever 

replace you- I do not want anything 

to replace you. Rather, you are 

something I have to put behind me, 

and he is the something I am looking 

forward to.

 

I guess what I am saying is, in all of 

your vastness, I miss you-

and he is the boat of which I may 

finally be able to get over you