I promised I would be there for you

I lied

I promise to never hurt you

I promise to always meet your needs

I promise to always be there for you

but I lied to you

And we all know that God does things for reason but what was the reason he took you away from me?

Did he already know these promises would be broken?

Did he know I wasn't capable of holding you… I wasn't strong enough to hold you

So I am sorry

I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to hold you

I'm sorry I missed those periods every month when I was 17

And I'm sorry for my disease of PCOS that turned into ovarian cancer

And I'm sorry you had to fight through cyst and tumor till you made it to the tube

And I'm sorry so sorry for those nights of terror and fear

I'm sorry for the constant visits to the doctor the medication and the fertility pills

I'm sorry that your mother was never woman enough never motherly enough that her hormones were so imbalanced she doesn't see herself as a specific sex because she's a creature out of the huts of history's shame your mother is a creature that's why when the going got tough your father left and I'm sorry for that

When the hair started falling you dropped out of my womb and I'm sorry for that with a bow heads and lowered eyes weakened  from my soulful cries

If I was just strong enough to hold you for those nine months I could have had a chance to hold you in my arms and give you the promises mentioned so I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you anything but death and disappointment and betrayal I was your first heartbreak and ovarian cancer was a murderer, it murdered you and sorry for that