Letter to the memory of the past

Fri, 05/24/2013 - 12:31 -- Marly


United States
40° 38' 49.5312" N, 73° 57' 13.0176" W

I’ve spent my life comparing my behind the scenes with your highlight wheel.
Taught you got all the boys because you were the prettiest,
I didn’t fit in with your crew but you spared some time for me,
Trying to spare me from being lonely.

You were always with a party of people,
We couldn’t hang out when they were around,
I was just too embarrassing,
My clothes weren’t right,
My face wasn’t right,
I didn’t know the right things to say,
And there was always those times when you just wanted to be alone.

In your eyes I was Kanye,
It was a lot having me around,
I was a foreigner to your lifestyle and
I acted like I was from a third world country,

I told myself I would learn everything you taught me,
I did. Quick, too. I didn’t want to be left behind any more and
Dragging behind you was better than having no one on my contact list.
You taught me how to be you,
How to shop like you,
How to exile my flaws and mimic yours
How to strut down the street like you,
How to carry your burdens like they were mine,
How to look at the world through your eyes.

I guess what I’m trying to say is,
Why did you never teach me that I was beautiful.
Why did it never occur to you to say that my flaws
were what kept me from being like everyone else and I needed them.
That would have saved me years of hating mirrors and their opinions.

I found me,
It took a while, damn near too much time but
All is well.
I’ve been picking up pieces along the road and
I have enough pieces to make a soul,
My body is under construction,
My self-esteem hasn’t been comparing me to magazine covers
But taking pictures is a struggle, I still try to avoid it.
I know what I like now, turns out I don’t hate pink as much as we thought I should.
I like damn near all the colors in the rainbow
And the one that weren’t invited to the light,
Thinking of myself as a warrior has been keeping me sane.
I’m not scared to die anymore,
At least not like I used to be,
I’ve found things in this world that I can’t bear to coexist with,
I’ve discovered some courage that was buried deep inside me.

Did you hear about the guy that got beaten to death
for being gay?
It’s funny isn't that men did it.
You would have thought they would have been glad
To have less competition when it comes to their girlfriends.
At one time in my life I wasn't so different from those men,
Ready to beat anyone that even thought about loving people that looked like me.
It takes a certain amount of self-hatred to hate others.
I was there once, even though I think they should hang
I still have those days when I have to be at war
with my soul just so I won’t be like them.
I’m getting better at winning those battles.
I still have my days, I’m not perfect I’m human.
I’ve been better at that, too.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m okay,
I know you’re not worried but I’m good.



A poem I wrote to a friend that I once worshiped.

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