Let me hold myself


I remember being little,

I had nightmares, so I always came to you.

You would hold me, I could close my eyes…

And in that moment, everything faded away.

I remember that feeling of being protected,

Safely surrounded by your arms and smell.

I remember when we went to feed the ducks,

And with you, I slowly felt the world disappear.

I remember growing up,

And feeling your fatherly presence fade.

I was ten, and we moved away,

But instead of coming, you chose to stay

I remember when you used to call,

But never did you ask if I was okay.

I remember that first love I found;

That protected feeling I got,

From being surrounded by his arms and smell,

But this unhealthy connection stuck to me for years..

I looked for you, searched for someone to fill that empty space in my heart.

I remember wondering, why isn't he here? How could he miss so many memories?

And now I know, there were greater forces pulling him away.

My protector wasn't strong enough to fight the world like he had before;

So he found his own safe surroundings in the highs of drugs.

That pure man I knew began to change,

He lost all sense of reality and betrayed me more than he ever had before.

He would call me at twelve o'clock and ask me for favors,

To search for names on the internet;

Something that I never understood,

But not once did he realize that his daughter needed him.

This man, taken over by drugs, could no longer be my safe surrender,

I remember how the tears fell down my face as he chastised me on the phone,

I remember him saying that I was an immature child.

I remember crying to my mom,

And her patiently reminding me that those were the drugs speaking,

Reminding me that my protector I had loved was far gone;

And my weak heart shattered.

Already having an empty hold, the fragile organ shattered into a million pieces,

As anger filled my body.

I wanted to scream at him,

Get Clean, Grow Up, and Be the Father that I Need You to Be!

I wanted to yell at him for making me feel that anchor, sinking my body for so long,

I remember the days when he was pure,

At the lake, I could look far up into his eyes,

And be lost in overwhelming warmth and love;

And now I am changed.

I've pledged to honor this sacred gift of life.

I've pledged never to snort, shoot, sniff, and smoke.

I've pledged to thank this man every single day for showing me what I don't want in my life.

I am older now,

I still have nightmares,

But I find the strength to hold myself every night.

I am me, I am pure, and he is not.

Do not be this man,

Do not betray your children, family, loved ones, friends, colleagues.

Follow your fate, and never let someone drag you into the darkness of drugs.

Fight against this urge and follow the simplistic beauty and feelings that you can get from a pure and beautiful life.

A place where you can feel love, happiness, compassion.

Follow your everlasting dreams.

Protect, love, and learn.

Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 



I grew up without a father and have grown up into an amazing woman.  Though I don't have anything to complain about in my life, I have gone through the ringer and am someone who makes change in the world.  Every day, I fight to make it a better place, socially and environmentally.  I deserve an education so that I can continue bettering the world around me.

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