Learning
Part of becoming an adult
And reaching maturity
Exceeds driving cars,
Changing partiality,
And gaining a sense
Of mediocre
Independence.
It's more than
Graduation,
Pursuing
Higher education,
Joining the workforce,
Or even your first
Experience with
Intercourse.
It's a thing
that can't be taught
In classes
Or passed
Between generations.
Complex problems
And tough situations
Have no rules
Or solid solutions.
You learn what to do
Through experience.
It is learned
Through experiences.
Really
Unfortunate
And distressing
Experiences.
It's learning
That life
Enjoys throwing curve balls
That you are in no
Position to catch.
Learning
To get a handle
On shit
When you're losing
Your grip.
It's learning
To deal with change
That changes you
On a personal,
Mental,
Emotional,
Social level,
On your own.
Because
When you're alone,
Who else
Will hold your hand
And guide you through
The many problems
That can't be Googled?
Before a series
Self-inflicted changes
I was just
A little mind
Riddled with anxiety
OCD and ODD
(a constant need
To disobey authority).
An inability
to participate in society.
"Fictional characters can't love you back."
By becoming absorbed
In fantastical worlds
I socially sabotaged
And deprived myself;
I lacked the effort for
Establishing the skills
Necessary for becoming
A person
Capable of functioning
Normally.
Isolation is easy,
Why interact with others like me
If fiction is more appealing
Than reality?
No regard for society,
It's standards,
And the view
Others had of me.
No self-restraint
And tipping towards
"Overweight."
Something like that
Was a bit of a shock to me,
Because honestly
I didn't want to be
The weird, quirky,
Mean AND fat bitch.
At some point
I had made the decision
On my own
That my current
Lifestyle choices
Needed to cease
And I needed
To be someone
Worth working with.
This someone
Would proceed
To lead a life
Of satisfaction,
Intimacy,
Risk-taking,
Vulgarity,
Flourishing social circles,
And academic victory.
"What're they gonna do, arrest me?"
Never had I ever
been this happy
To be a part of reality.
My best friend,
One of a
Peculiar kind.
Took my love
My laughter
And my time
Gave me the same
Then took it all...
When he took his own life.
This was my curveball;
What might be
A first of many
Soon to come.
What we had
And established
And recently planned
Lost...
Loss
"Loss of a loved one."
"Loss a son."
A best friend,
Boyfriend,
Confidence,
And validation
Instantly gone
"Wow, Steve,
What an astute observation."
I've lost my grip
On reality.
Alcohol and THC
Both I find
To make good company
(Despite the fact that
Five months prior
Would I have been
Uncomfortable with
And despised
this kind of behavior.)
Numbing substances,
They've become friends
Of sorts,
Or acquaintances
I seldom hang out with,
More often than friends
And ties I have left…
What little I have left…
He was all that I had.
I was myself with him;
My self is with him.
What's left of me?
A husk; an outline?
"Why did this have to be
My reality?"
What's left of me is just sad
Again.
Loving things that can't love back.
Again.
Empty and isolated
Again.
Who will want me now,
Or what remains of who
I used to be?
What was all that progress for
If not to learn
To deal with change
That changes you,
On your own