The first time I heard someone applaud for me

I was

15 years old

5ft 11inches

Auburn Hair

Brown Eyes

Which is all I can remember about it

except the feeling.

The feeling was

new.

Somehow before then claps had fallen on deaf ears

even though I was an applause junkie,

sitting smiling dancing through every variation of the townsperson #3

just so I could smile and take in my share

soak it in

ration it like clean water

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

I had been sitting in the cramped audience

palms sweating crumpled paper snow that I didn't even realize I was making

And I took the stage

Working off a breathless prayer

and the red hot wire of adrenaline

feeling the heartbeat in the crowd like I had never felt

Applause

was like what I imagine cocaine to be

hard and harsh and loud

out of this world

and it made me crazy

I shook

and the smile like

the cracks in the mojave desert ground

opening

for snowmelt

whoo.

breathe.

on giraffe legs

I wasn't aware of falling.