I don’t like this one bit, Julia Margaret.

You’re not coming down the stairs, you’re not taking forever in the bathroom, you’re not upstairs waiting for me to bring up our cups of crushed ice, baby you’re not holding my hair when I’ve had too many, you’re not waiting for me by bagel boy at 11:27 anymore. 

But I wish you were.

You’re not driving me crazy or blowing up my phone, aggravating the shit out of me solely because you need my attention. You’re not lashing out at me. You’re not crying hysterically in my arms. 

But I wish you were. 

You’re gone.

Forever. 

I’ll never wake up to your face again. I’ll never answer the phone to hear your voice again. I’ll never be able to go on our late night walks with you again. 

I’ll wake up alone. I’ll call you and get an operator because your phone has been disconnected. I’ll walk around alone and pretend you’re with me... you’re just a couple steps behind me is all. 

I’ll eat Garbanzo beans and spinach by myself but make enough for two. 

I’ll set up the record player, I’ll turn on the lava lamp and shut off the Christmas lights... just to sit in silence by myself and smoke our goodnight blunt... to myself . 

I’ll smoke Marlboro lights to feel you in my lungs, and I’ll play Echoes on repeat to hear something almost as comforting as your voice. 

Your room feels like one of those abandoned houses we would explore when we were younger. The air is still and cold, not like how it used to be. Nothing is how it used to be. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I just need something to hold on to. I nee you. I desperately need you Julia Margaret. We said forever, now all I can say is I’m sorry. If there was anything I could do to take away this pain that consumes me, believe me I would. 

Maybe it’s my punishment, maybe it’s part of the grieving process, maybe it’ll never go away. Maybe it will stay with me forever Bc that’s what happens when you lose your soul mate. A part of you goes with them, only to return when you see your loved one again. 

I’m ready. I want to be with you. I’m ready to leave forever. No I have to stay, people here need me. No you have to stay you can’t cause anymore pain. I love you. I wish I could be with you.