Suddenly
My tongue is in knots
My heart isn’t beating, my blood was in clots
My mind was a treasure, not laden in thoughts
But I’m lost with no map and I can’t connect the dots
And I’m struggling
Muddling friendships I valued and cherished
And eating off tables where there was no spare dish
Their scraps made me sick but who cares for the careless
I tried on your clothes and thought “I wouldn’t wear this”
And I always wanted more but never considered fairness
And I never got a break
Except when we were broken
And my ears were left bleeding for words that weren’t spoken
And My eyes, they were reading from books that we wrote in
It’s a shame there were chapters that weren’t ever opened
But he made his exit, and I knew I couldn’t slow him.
In this space that we made, in this world that we float in.
And I’m a boy
A boy with bad history,
With guys who need solving, I guess it’s the mystery
World wars one and two but what’s three to me?
I’d come home with a bruise or two and say “he did this to me”
And even though the teardrops would spill, it was bliss to me
But he could never kiss me
And neither could anyone else
Gay, straight or bi I always knew it wouldn’t happen
His lips would make a pass but I knew I couldn’t have him
He turns to Danielle and says “Fuck it, I’ll stab him!”
But he throws his words first and I’m a target to a javelin.
And I could never decide what I thought hurt the most
The fact that you hit me or that fact that you’d boast
My lungs were on fire and I was the roast
And my flesh fucking searing from my head to my toes
You think you knew pain but there’s so much to know
But it’s funny when you’re burning that time seems to slow.
And I know.
That the space I’m in now isn’t my home,
Cause often times I’m out of place, I’m all alone.
And when no one’s there to pick up the phone
And my ears are full of fucking busy tones
I wither away into skin and bones
Cause it’s all I’ve done, it’s all I’ve known.
Cause I told you all the things that ever hurt me
And you did it all again like you never even heard me
You weren’t ever in my shoes, you never really were me
You were in a hurry
In a hurry
But you never ever worried
About me.
You turned an eye to my efforts, so I left
And there were words that I couldn’t decompress
Problems that I couldn’t seem to undress
Like when the only you had left to hold was your breath
But I didn’t bother stress
Cause if you’re blind then you’re probably deaf
And in reality we love to feel guilty
Love the novelty of impossibility
The strength that comes with inability
Even if it’s really a disability
Cause I knew Heart ache is my fate
The aching in my chest cause there’s too much on my plate
And there’s too much here at stake
And I’m not sure that I’ll wake
And I swore that it was fake
But not fake just a mistake
A mistake that’s second rate
Cause when I approach you your tongue tangles, you seem to fall mute
You say you that you could never lie, you simply withheld the truth
But in its absence there was nothing to contribute
So we ate it up,
We never knew what wasn’t true.
Cause when you’re starving anything looks brand new.
And the fantasies that pack pounds on my shoulders,
You’re just another failed story that was filed among folders
See, karma is cruel and this one time I told her,
That the ground that we lay on seems to make us become colder
But
Time is a dye that makes reason grow bolder,
She said I wouldn’t understand,
That I’d know when I’m older
Cause
I know now that feet fall with a purpose
And if you took a look back you’d be shocked cause you were this
I didn’t come a whole block,
Not a stop
I’m no tourist,
I had dug my grave then but now I see I’ve come furthest
See, Love is a taste and it’s strictly acquired,
We don’t know those who we eat, but never those we desired
Cause taste buds change
And we know that sweet enjoys all that is savory, but it’s a flavor not modest enough to admire your bravery
And lately
He’s at stake he
He just takes he
Isn’t there doesn’t there doesn’t care he’s a fake he
Makes me feel sick till everything that I know falls straight through my skin and seeps deep into my bones
And Ignorance isn’t bliss it’s insanity
Cause to not know is to tear at a man and he
Kept to himself but not to me and he
Saw in my eyes that I want to be free but he
Couldn’t see that he was the key
But now I finally see
That happiness doesn’t lie in him but instead inside me.
Cause it took a lot for me to see
From the blood that I bleeded
From the warnings not heeded
From the words that got heated
From the actions that he did
To see the boy that you were, and man who I can be.