Can't sleep
My brain plays on repeat- can't sleep, can't sleep
The chant so loud it drowns out the lack of sound
Quiet! Can't you see, I'm trying to sleep?
But my own brain is playing tricks on me
Telling my eyes to see things no one else would see
Like the monster hiding under the bed beneath me
Or the shadow that's been playing on my periphery

Flash back now
To when I was just a kid alone at the park
When the streetlamps came on and suddenly it was dark
No one around to walk me home- I was alone

I guess that's how I feel now
I just want to sleep but I've forgotten how to
Because in the dark you see things you don't want to
Remember the times you've done wrong and think
"Self, how could you?!"
You feel the sting of wounds that should've healed
Ache at the thoughts of that pain you never want to feel again
But you know you will.
You know you will.

Of course you will.

It's times like this when I lay still as a dead man,
Tormented mercilessly by will of my own hand
That I cry out to a God who may or may not see me
He may or may not hear me and He may or may not free me

Listen to yourself.
Is there even a God out there?
Of course there isn't.
But there has to be something...

No. That's just impossible.

If God existed, bad things wouldn't happen,
But they do!
If He cared, people wouldn't die
But they do!
If He wanted what was best for us, there'd be no shootings on the news
My value to these people wouldn't come from the price tag on my shoes
People wouldn't kill themselves because they felt they had nothing to lose-
GOD, IF YOU LOVED ME I WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY WORLD OR YOU

Breathe.

If God existed, I wouldn't have been born this way
With the threat of paralysis hanging over me each day
And you know, I'm not even sure of from where the terror came
Was it paralysis by fear or paralysis by pain?
Wasn't God supposed to remember my name?
Wasn't He supposed to heal the sick and the lame?
Well, here I am, God, I'm as lame as they come
And I'll be stuck in this same spot until kingdom come
Will the kingdom ever come, or was that just an empty promise?
I would've thought by now you would've fixed the world if you saw this
But do you care, God? We've spent so long in this despair,God
So long that I'm beginning to think your not even there, God

Because if you are there, you're awfully quiet

And I can't stand it when everything is quiet
And I can't stand for my room to be quiet
I can't stand for you to be quiet

If you can hear me, I think you should know
That my mind has been trapped in a time long ago
It's still in a bed in a blinding white room
Anxiously waiting for the doctor to say, "You'll be fine soon"
And I know that you say that you've got a plan
But I'd like for that plan to involve the man
In the long white coat with pen in hand
To look me in the eye and say, "Yes, you can.
You can walk, you can dance, and of course you can run!
You can do anything under the sun."
But he hasn't said that yet, because he just doesn't know
Where my condition may cause my life to go
"Ignore it," he says, "Be normal while you can. Most people like you would just be happy to stand."
I'm ungrateful, I know, I should love what I've got
But I'd promise to be grateful if this pain would just stop-

God, please make it stop.

I can't fight the monster under my bed anymore
Can't sleep where the mischievous shadows tread anymore
There is no comfort in my night light anymore
Because, God, I don't want to fight my fear anymore
God, this silence is killing me now
All I want to hear is your voice now
The lack of noise stops now

STOP

I can sleep
My brain plays on repeat- sleep, sleep