If only you knew

how much it hurts

to feel those words

tear at my soul.

 

If only you knew

how bad I feel

every time I try

but then fail.

 

If only you knew

how sad I am,

everyday holding

back the tears.

 

If only you knew

that banging was a hammer

freeing those blades

from the pink plastic

 

If only you knew 

that when I get in the shower

I will longingly

stare at that silver.

 

If only you knew

that I hold the metal,

pressing it into my skin

but too afraid to slice.

 

If only you knew

how much I love you

and when you smile

I feel whole.

 

If only you knew

how scared I am of you;

any second a volcano

and me running from destruction.

 

If only you knew

how much it hurts

to feel those words

tear at my soul.

 

If only you knew

how much I repeat:

If only you knew,

If only you...