why can't you see,

what you have done to me,

my skin feels transparent,

my eyes should be a dead giveaway,

my smiling con should be palpable,

but it isn't;

instead I watch you question me,

watch you wonder of my deepest secrets,

as if they arn't obvious,

watch you want to understand my fathomless regrets,

watch you do exactly what I intended for you to do;

I watch you meet my high standards,

watch you do what nobody has ever done before,

watch you bang on my sturdy walls,

until you finally tare them apart;

but then I did what you didn't expect,

I opened up to you,

I let you brake down my walls,

let you inside my heart,

I spoke about nearly everything that had hurt me,

everything that tore me apart,

nearly everything, except for you;

the way your curious eyes glanced at mine,

wondering what lay behind my gaurded mind,

I watched you just to fantasize,

about dancing in the rain, 

laughing on my bed,

making inside jokes to last for years,

having make believe conversations,

just for it to kill me when you dissappeared.

I watch you realize I am dying inside,

I watch you ask why,

I brush you off as I know I can't say,

what makes me dread the light of another day,

because the reason isn't my daddy issues,

not my gaping past,

but you,

understanding that you will never be mine,

that's what makes me cry,

at the end of an desolate night.

having to know that I will watch your life,

play about without me by your side,

having to know I will have to watch you get married,

watch you look at another human,

with rose shaded glasses,

watch you describe to me how perfect they are,

and try to make me see them as a glowing star,

but instead of leaving,

I will stay by your side,

never to leave you because then,

my love for you,

would have never been true.

so with you I will go on this endless ride