I feel like I'm Ill, I mean probably because I have pressure in my head like I'm a hot air balloon, shoulders that feel like they're made out of bricks and here and their some subtle nausea.. But im not sure anymore if I'm really laying in bed right now because I'm actually sick, or I'm hurt. Figuring out whether the drain in my energy level is for physical reasons or.. all in one.. Love that consumes every assett to a persons wellbeing. The mental talks about how I am a grown adult and I'm living at my parents house and am unemployed, which really I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The town I live in , every 2nd shop is shut down because the mining boom dropped off of this corner of the planet and we are all on wages from centrelink for doing bumb fuck nothing with our lives, unless you're like me who is not on free money because the system is crooked for the people who severly need it and if you don't have some sort of paper work for them, boom their goes your lively hood. Or even going to university to find out the one certificate you need to aspire to be who you want to be has been terminated due to the lack of residents and no fund supply from the government itself. My point exactly it's fucking crooked. But deep down I kinda guess well shit.. This is it am I going to rott away in this town like a perished ciggerette butt or will I get a chance of luck to get the fuck out of here. I've lost so many people , after a while it turns into a guessing game of who goes next. Relationships have been presumed as something negative so when you finally reach a time in your life where you are with someone genuinely giving your mind,body and soul to them, they rip it from you and let you wash away with the tears they left you and you come back to the start of mental thoughts 24/8, and yes I said that because its not only 24 fucking hours in a day all week, its in your dreams and in your mind like never before, its exceeds the physical realm of time and feels like an eternity, it takes the light of day from you even when you aren't conscious or aware of the emptiness around you. Or yet again unless you're like me who reaches a certain limit, actually reaching the point of missing the idea of missing someone or feeling someone's touch but actually feeling it with every inch of your heart . I don't know if that's desperation or actually the realisation that you miss having a go at something in life, even if you get knocked down. It helps to get a kick in the guts sometimes just to know theirs still something to lose. In a crazy way, it kind of makes you feel human again. When you have something, no matter how irrelivent or small it may be, for it to actually matter to you, so you can get your mind off of your miserable fucking, dull half assed life. Hmmph but maybe that's just me.