I Knew

I knew

I knew I loved you when I realized my favorite thing about you was your smile and the way it could light up the darkest rooms in my mind

I knew I loved you when I saw the sparkle and shine in your eyes

And the way you thrived made me feel oh so alive

I could feel everything and more

I never asked you for anything bc what more could I ask for?

But before I met you

More than anything I wanted to feel like I was in my own skin

To feel like I was no longer committing a sin when I told people I loved them and didn't mean it

& Like a drug addict I wanted to keep feeling that high

I swear I felt like I could fly

But we know that anything that goes up must come down

You could hear the sound of when I hit the ground

While I was down I looked up at the sky

This was the second time I had to breath and say I was fine

Now on my knees looking in the mirror

Can't look at myself bc no one but me knows what I fear

I feared to look at the mirror to no longer see the shine in my own eyes

& no longer wanting to cry I turned to the side

Heart beating to slow to be human gotta ask myself “how am I doing this?”

You had the nerve to ask me why do I act like you don't exist

I'm trying to mend myself and I'm pissed

Let me pick up the peices that you shattered

And they're all scattered

Trying to figure out where to start

I can see my face reflecting from the pieces of my heart

Grandad knows without a problem I let people go

But I couldn't see that you were faker than these hoes

I'll never understand why you did what you did

You still had the audacity to justify it

And I hope you never feel the way I did

God forbid

That you stay up all night with only your thoughts at your side & your sadness eating you alive

And yea I wanna ask you how slept at night knowing you weren't even mine but had me believe that I was yours

And in reality you were still texting her and she's only 14 years old

But maybe that's why you want her

To feel that once in your sad life you have control even if it's over a 14 year old

So yea you knew you wanted me when you realized that you could hurt me over and over again and with a sorry everything would be forgiven

You knew you wanted me when you realized I was more about you than I was about myself

Even when it came down to either one of our health

It was you

It was always you

But you took me for a fool

Even when I put my trust in you

And to out the pieces together to figure out I was your last resort

You came back with your tail in between your legs when you were rejected

Rejected by Lily, Emily, Diana, Ivy, Peony, Suezette, Ashley, Rynia, Denise, Sarah, Mya Bianca, Betzira, Alexis, Jeimi, Evelyn, Selene, Maria, Karen, Carmen, Faby, Yareli, Brittney, Yamile, Jocey, Dejah, Nessa, Bernice, Angelica, Lizabeth, Priscilla, Angeles, Amy, Leah, Julissa, Yesenia, Esme, Adri, Brenda, Jasmine, Melanie, Soraida, Jennifer, Claudia, Aylin, Yadira, Paloma, Caitlin, and Stephanie

Most names were repeated twice just too lazy to repeat

All either left you on read or never opened your message

But yet I've still left all of my 500 messages untouched & you remind of them

The boys who lost love and message random girls looking for it in them

You blame me for Corey trying to get in my pants but I'm the one who stood my ground and said no

You blame me for finding comfort in my past

But you're the one who left

You expected me to wallow around in my sadness

But I'm tired of giving my all to someone who doesn't care

Tired of waiting on you to do right

Tired of the fight

Cause I won't win

I no longer want to win

You were suppose to learn from your father's mistakes

Not become him

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